I don't want to alarm you, but those of you who are under 17 (which is like, no one)... you had better get off this blog RIGHT NOW.
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
Ooook.
Get a grip Keeks.
So I came home, and had a long bath. And ate some sorbet. And watched Frasier.
Things really look better after all that.
Here is my problem: I am forgetting about the Summer of Nicki principles.
How do I expect to be on fire if I am moping around wondering about things that I have ZERO control over? How do I expect to have a killer summer if I spend my time focusing on things that might not even happen?
Fuck that!
I have got some awesome stuff coming up. Indiana Kevin is coming to town! INDIANA KEVIN! He is so cute! I know I kind of got caught up with stuff and let things slide with him a little, but he's going to be in town with Lynsy! Hooray! And Matt! Hooray!
It's time I picked up where I left off: as a no good street punk.
Okay, maybe not. I am just watching the Simpsons and that happened to be the line I just heard. :-)
Carpe motherfucking diem.
Jackie, what would I do without her. I called her and told her all about these shenanigans with Michael and how I was feeling...
And I got a steely silence.
Oh, lordy, here we go.
And when the girl has a point to make, she has a point to MAKE! She lit into me about how whether or not Michael realises it, he is just preparing himself for when he comes home and has to get back into the swing of life back here. And one major, major facet of that life was me, whether either of us want to admit it. Regardless if I will still be a part of his life, that is yet to be determined, and can't be, until he is back in Milwaukee.
(Now, editor's note: Michael DID say that he was pulling back slightly from his friends in Italy in preparation. He's not stupid, he knows what's up)
I am not going to make excuses for him and his actions and Jacks made me realise that I am already compromising that. I got burned pretty big time and it hurt. A lot. More than I care to admit to mysef or anyone, for that matter. I am pretty tough and I do an excellent job of masking my true feelings, but when Michael broke up with me, it was a serious blow.
And I can't let myself forget that.
I can't just forgive and forget just with a dismissive brush of the hand, because that is trivialising everything that I went through since he's been gone. He broke my heart like it never has been before but I rallied, pulled my friends and family close to me and got through it. How is that fair to myself to just let him back in?
I asked her if it would be okay if we ever got back together, and she said yes, if he proves that he knows he hurt me and appreciates me for everything. To myself, I kind of thought "Michael won't make that kind of effort for me." and when I realised what I had said, it kind of choked me up a little. I don't know if he would or not, but if he doesn't, then I don't need to be with a guy who won't.
I am really fabulous. And someone out there will appreciate that and want to fight for me.
And if not, I can fight for myself.
Michael taught me that.
I just got back from Washington DC.
It was a very, very good trip indeed.
I flew out early Thursday morning, after Troy drove me to the airport. He slept over the night before and of course, no monkeyshines ensued. In fact, even less than before, if you can believe that. I will revisit this momentarily however.
My flight out was fine. Nothing even remotely interesting happened and Jen picked me up from the airport. It was so good to see her, I haven't seen her since my 21st birthday. We went and got our haircut (which was something that we did kind fo all the time in Belgium) and looked quite lovely indeed. I specifically said no bangs, and I now have bangs, but besides that, my hair is pretty cute. We went for a drive to Mt Vernon (not going inside, mind you!) and then went back to her place to get ready.
We met up with Sean (whom is oft referred to as my Lover in Connecticut... we were in Belgium with him) on Capitol Hill and wandered around until we found a little Brazilian bar and got drinks. It was nice catching up with him (although he and I have talked since Belgium, we haven't seen each other in seven years or whathave you).
Friday, Jen and I went to Arlington National Cemetary and the Lincoln Memorial. We couldn't see very much though, as we had tickets to see the Pirates of the Caribbean movie (which, allow me to mention, was terrifically bad), but that was okay. I would make up for the lack of sightseeing on Saturday.
And boy did I. I was in DC by myself by 8:30 am (Jen had to work all day, so I was left to my own devices) and saw the Lincoln Memorial again, the Vietnam, Korea and WWII Memorials, the Washington Monument, the White House, the US Treasury and the Mall, all before 10:30.
The Vietnam and Korea War Memorials were amazing. As I was walking up to the Vietnam Memorial, "War" by Edwin Starr came on and I just started crying. I am simply no good when it comes to war stuff. I cry when I watch war movies like you wouldn't believe. And they don't even have to be GOOD war movies! So walking up to the Memorial and seeing the Vietnam vets doing rubbings or sitting quietly or crying... it was all very intense.
I met up with my cousin at the Holocaust museum and we went through there. She was very struck by it, whereas I was not quite so much. Not because it wasn't well done or evocative because it was, but more so because I have actually been to Dachau and Terezin (a work camp in the Czech Republic) and nothing, NOTHING can compare to actually being there. I told my cousin that I will never forget the smell and the weight of the air there. It is a terrible, sobering place and regardless of how well done a museum is, it can't compare.
We then went over to the Natural History Museum, which was a lot of fun. It was PACKED because it was Memorial Day weekend and a Saturday, but it was okay. We took lots of wacky pictures and had a good time. It was great, I was standing next to the display containing the Hope Diamond and this kid standing next to me wheels around and says in the singularly angriest, most chagrined voice I have ever heard: "HEY!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS THE GIFT SHOP!!"
Afterwards, she took me to Annapolis (which is where she lives) and showed me the sights. Talk about a lovely town. It was very typical old charm East Coast. We went to dinner at a crab shack (which incidentally was out of crab) and then got drinks with her husband (whom I had never met before) and then took the train back to Virginia where Jen picked me up. I didn't get back until after 12. Needless to say, I pretty much passed out immediately.
Sunday, I was really not feeling well. We went to brunch in downtown Alexandria and then came back to Jen's place and watched a movie. It was all very nice and relaxed. Unfortunately, the flight back was not so much. We were delayed an hour on the runway because of bad weather, and the flight was a little rough. However, the couple I was sitting next to got up and moved back to some open seats so I was able to have three seats to myself and could stretch out.
That's pretty much the gist of it. I really still do not feel good and thusly called in sick to work today. Ha, I need a holiday from my holiday. Shut up!
So let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? Because that's what this is all about, isn't it? The dirt? The dish? The scoop?
I was walking to the monuments and I was overcome with a terrible sadness. Not for the monuments or whatever (but yes, that did too, you know) but as I was wandering along by myself, all I wanted was for Michael to be there with me. I don't know why. it's not like we had ever gone to DC together, but it was like he was SUPPOSED to be there with me. I missed him more in that moment than the entire time he has been gone. I called Robin, because I wanted to call Michael and knew that would be a bad idea. So I called her and she was like, "What's up?" and I said "I'm depressed" and she goes "Why, because you are walking around by yourself and you want nothing more to have Michael there with you?"
Um. Okay. I guess.
So eventually I did end up calling him, and it was nice. I made no mention of how I was feeling, and had a nice chat.
When I got home though, he saw I was online and wanted to skype, so we did. It was a great conversation and eventually I bit the bullet and just sort of told him. I figured, it's Michael, right? If I can't talk to him, who can I talk to? And I started crying. I don't know if he knew I was crying, I certainly didn't want to tell him. As we were skyping, I noticed the songs he was listening to (he has a plug in on Adium that lists what he is listening to, I have the same one) and they were all my songs. And when I say "my songs" I mean songs that I downloaded and put into a play list for him. So I asked about it and he was like "of course they are your songs. You make good mixes. Ironically, I am listening to the 'I Miss Mixx Mix'" (which was a mix I made of the real tear jerkers, all the songs that I associated with our relationship, which had stuff like Mazzy Star's Fade Into You, Talk Talk's It's My Life, Kiss at the End of the Rainbow from A Mighty Wind). Which endeared him to me even more.
GAHHHHHHHH.
WHAT AM I DOING?! WHAT AM I DOING?!?!
I miss him more than anything. He told me he misses me too. He said that there were a couple of times when he wished I was there because he wanted to say something but knew I would be the only one to get it. At one point I sort of shrieked that I hated him and that I didn't like him and he laughed and went "Aww, I like you too!" I said "No! No! I DON'T like you!" to which he replied "Ahh, you DON'T like me. I don't know why you would, I am a jerk!"
But the shit of it is, I don't dislike him. I don't hate him. I don't even think he is a jerk. Yes, he has done some jerky things. Who hasn't? Someone (I forget who) asked me if I could forgive him for cheating on me. But shockingly, maybe stupidly, I don't even think of it as him cheating on me. I knew it was going to happen and I knew when it was happening... the thing that pissed me off was that he tried to cover it up, albeit not very well. But I understand why. It's hard to fess up to your significant other that you messed around, regardless of how intuitive they are. It had to happen, all of it. Even if we don't get back together, many lessons have been learned. That same person asked me if I could trust him again, or if I would always wonder if he was going to cheat on me again and I resoundingly responded that it was not an issue of trust. It has so little to do with that.
Lynsy mentioned to me that he was like the Mr Big to my Carrie from Sex in the City. Love him for everything, forgive him for anything and compare everyone I date to him.
:-\ gah.
Okay.
Is it so much to ask to want someone to pat me on the head, put me in their pocket and give me koala yum yums? I'd do it for them!
So first off, I got the new kitten on Thursday. I named her Olivia Bouvier, she is very cute. She and Emmylou are already chasing each other around, all is right with the world.
But enough cat-ladying. The real issue here is Troy. Okay, so I went over to his apartment at midnight or whatever on Saturday. If a lovely girl comes over to your house at midnight, she is not going over there to have a little fucking chat. She is not going over there to JUST watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. She is going over there because there is a 99.9% chance of getting laid, and frankly, she'll take those odds.
So when she goes over there and not only is there no sex but barely any touching and certainly no kissing, something is amiss.
Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time with him, he's funny and smart and blah blah blah, but COME ON. Give me a break!
So I woke up before he did on Sunday and was all "okay, Sunday morning sex is the way to go!" so I jumped on top of him, nipped his ear...
... and nothing...
WTF! Fine. Fine.
We went to Racine and got skillets, which mollified me and had a great breakfast, great conversation, the whole bit. We went to Tenuta's in Kenosha because I wanted to get Jen a hostess gift, which didn't work out, and had a nice time there. We then drove back to Milwaukee and he fell asleep on my couch...
And all I could do was think about how much nicer it was with Michael.
It's not to say I had a bad time with Troy, because I didn't. It was nice. But Michael and I had Sunday mornings down pat. Breakfast, car rides, Italian groceries. It felt weird to not be doing it with him. I missed laughing at the insane overhead pages at Tenuta's with him. I missed the way he would hold my hand in the car.
I guess this is really all stemming from the fact that we have been talking a lot more recently, because he finally has the internets in Italy. And as much as it bothers me to admit it, I miss him. Talking to him like this reminds me of when we first started getting invovled, when he was up at UWM and I was in Racine. We had great conversations about everything. That was never a problem with us, we always had something to talk about.
He is coming home soon and I am terrified. It has been relatively easy dealing with all of this because he was gone and there was no chance of running into him, I never had to see him, all of his friends just became my friends, there was no weird exchanging of items, he was in my life and then there was nothing. But maybe, all I did was just ignore everything and refuse to deal with how much I was actually hurt and how deeply I really felt/feel for him.
Jackie mentioned to me that the definition of crazy is doing something the exact same way and expecting different results. I know this is totally presumptious and pre-emptive, but would it be the same when he gets home? No. Obviously. I am completely different than how I was a year ago, and I know the same goes for him, if not more. Is that something that I even want? I don't know. Do I miss him? Of course I do. Does my stomach still lurch if I get a whiff of the cologne he wears? Indeed. Do I get a little weak in the knees when I think about how he used to hug me? Totally. Does a little part of me just wants him to come home, kiss me and tell me that I am all he wants? Yes.
This might also have something to do with the fact that yet another set of friends just got engaged. This is not to say that all I want to do is get married, but for fuck's sake, what am I doing wrong?! I have a ton of guy friends and they LOVE me. I am killer in the sack... what is the deal here?
I am kind of an eternal romantic. I am hyper-sensitive, although I hide it well but I am also a realist. There is a very, very good chance that Michael wants nothing to do with me (in the romantic sense) and I am okay with that. I know that we had our problems and I know us breaking up was great for both of us. I know that I was hard on him about some stuff and I was a little on the over bearing side (which is really stupid, as the majority of it was all bullshit, I cannot BELIEVE myself sometimes) and yes, he had issues himself and pulled some boneheaded stunts. But we are human. And I miss him.
wtf is wrong with me.
So I am knee deep in book buyback this week, which is a good and a bad thing. It is a good thing as we get to replenish stock on books for the upcoming semesters that are being reused without having to spend the money on shipping, people get a little cash for their books... but it is also awful. People just do not get how book buying works. You are not going to get full price for your texts. THEY ARE USED. It is NOT MY FAULT that the book has gone into a new edition and you aren't going to get any money because your edition is now obsolete. We seriously try to avoid that situation as much as possible, but we have no control over the forthcoming editions.
But really, the worst part about it, is the book buyers themselves. They are contractors for the company we do most of our work with and are both in their late 60s and married. I swear to god, this woman is the most abrasive, pushy person I have ever met in my life. And keep in mind, this is coming from me, who is classically trained in the abrasive/pushy department (although I like to think of it as "challenging" and "highly suggestive" ). With that said, I dread seeing her every time. She thinks I am just some stupid kid who knows nothing about books, book buying and computers (she is dreadfully wrong on all three counts) and she doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me, which seeing her spindly, papery arms, is not far at all.
EVERYTHING that I do with this woman makes her ssssssssiiiiiiiiiigh and second guess me. I just don't understand how a woman who has been doing this basically since the dawn of time has NO concept of how computers work. Cindy was leaving on Monday and she was like "Okay, Clara will take care of everything tonight, I am leaving." and Kay (the she-beast) says "Sssssssiiiiiiiiiigh... well, does she know how to shut these down properly?" and indicated the two computers in front of her. Cindy kind of gaped at her and said, "Um, well. Yes. Clara knows how to shut down the computers." We then went through this whole rigamarole with the money being put in the safe to which she tried to take the key home with her and I staunchly refused to do that, as I did not have the authority to let her do that and when I told Cindy about that in the morning, she said "WHAT!? She has NEVER taken that key home! Why would she do that? Maaaan, she didn't trust YOU at ALL!"
So last night when we went through it again, I wanted to hide the key on her so VERY VERY badly, but I am a mature type person and abstained, although it pretty much took all of my will power.
At any rate, this week is rather dragging a little bit and because of all these monkeyshines, I have been in kind of a bad mood. I also can't manage to keep my eyes open after 10pm unless I am on the phone with someone. I can't make it through the Simpsons, which is terrifically depressing. I am getting to be old. I also have been waking up before my alarm, about 30 minutes before I need to get up, which is also annoying. I know that is actually good for you, to wake up naturally, but damn if I just really like being asleep.
Next week is DC and I have done nothing to prepare for it. I really need to go to a Barnes and Noble and get a travel guide or something, as I will have a bunch of time on my own to do some sightseeing. I am really okay with that though, as I did that when I was in Boston and I had a pretty great time.
I am also starting to make my plans for this weekend and everything kind of keeps falling apart. There will be no Burnham Bowl as people are busy/out of town, there will be no Brewer's game as it is sold out and Troy and I can't seem to make up our minds as of what to do. I think we are going to go hit a bucket of balls or something on Sunday, but I am not sure as of yet. I really would rather eat a skillet, sleep in and have sex (not necessarily in that order) but beggars can't be choosey. :-)
Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to go to work. Get moving, Keeks.
So this smitten trend continues.
I am kind of nauseating myself at this point , but what are you going to do, ya know? It's been a really long time since I felt like this... I don't even remember even feeling like this.
With Michael, there was most definitely smit but it was presented in such a radically different way. With Michael it was a slow immersion into his life (admittedly, with him struggling the whole time)... like an IV into his arm. There was a lot of convincing and prodding and whatnot. I of course babbled incessantly about him, but if one was to go back and revisit my blog at that time, there is a difference.
De toute facon, all is well in the world of me. There was sort of a State of the Union address with Troy on Saturday, with me just basically pulling the Nicki Babble Fest and prattled on about how I am going to Washington DC and I would have opportunity to make out with people and how did he feel about that and it wasn't so much that I wanted to, but more if there was nothing going on with us then I wouldn't feel bad but if there was something going on or perhaps leading to something going on well then, that would be good to keep in mind and I wouldn't go tart it out blah blah blah. He just started laughing at me and said "Well, things seem to be going well thus far, you know?" He then asked me why I was even worrying about this, as this trip is WEEKS away... but it's not! And I'm crazy!
We then talked about the Craigslist posting I did about a month ago. It was a post on "Missed Connections" that said Troy! as the title and basically said "I think you are the cutest person I have ever met. You have no idea how often I talked our other roomies ear off about you. To say that I am intrigued by your piercing is putting it mildly." which I thought was delightfully coy. I told Tom about this and he was like "Awwww... OKAY PSYCHO." So I took it down. Troy kept off handedly saying things like "Satisfying curiosity" and "intrigue" and so I was like, goddamnit, he wants to have a little chat about this... So I lead off by saying "So... umm.... did you happen to see a Craigslist posting..." and he goes "Of course I did. I am obsessed with Craigslist. I knew it was you."
I swear to Christ, it has been a looooong time since I was that embarassed. Yes, I knew he would see it. Yes, I knew he would know it was me. NO I DID NOT CARE TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT IT.
He then starts in about how he knew that I liked him because Tom forwarded all the emails I had written re: Troy. This information causes me to have a complete meltdown. What did he mean, FORWARDED ALL THE EMAILS? (::panicking, panicking. laughing awkwardly::) And Troy goes, "Oh well you know, they weren't the complete emails.. they had Tom's opinion interjected in there and whatnot." I sort of whimper, realizing the ramifications of this statement. Jesus lord NO. Tom wouldn't have done that to me... would he? I pose that question, to which he sort of smirks and says "Yeah, he did... it was nice though. Flattering. It was... what is the word I am looking for... gushing?"
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I did gush in those emails. I gushed like I have never gushed before. I gushed and it was nauseating and awful and I basically owe Tom a big one for putting up with it. BUT WTF! HE FORWARDED THEM?! TOM IS A ROMANTIC! A POET! HOW DOES HE JUSTIFY FORWARDING GUSHY EMAILS!?
I just kept repeating "You are LYING. Tom wouldn't do that to me. Would he? No! YOU ARE LYING." and I pulled my hoodie over my face much to Troy's delight. He said "Awwww, Kiki! It's okay! You don't need to be embarassed! Why are you blushing Keeks?! Huh? Awww!"
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and called Tom at work. He answered and I asked him point blank if he had forwarded the emails. He paused and was like "No.... why would I have done th-" and was interrupted by me shrieking "You son of a bitch! Gaaaaah!!" Troy laughing hysterically and the sounds of me leaping on top of him and punching.
But it was all in fun, you know? It's nice to get a little shit now and again. I can dish it pretty wicked and it is not every time that someone has the cajones to give it back. Not only that, but to let it get to the point where I called Tom. He said he was hoping that Tom would have gone along with it, but I know better. He then sort of pulled me next to him and I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me.
The next day was Mandy's baby shower... AWKWARD. Ben wouldn't look at me (nevermind that I was sitting DIRECTLY next to Mandy. Um, okay then. I have no hard feelings at all towards him or the situation. That was AGES ago! At one point Mandy leaned into me and said "Do you think I should annouce that YOU are the reason any of us are here?" Ha! Oh the irony of it all! Ben should be PRAISING me, not avoiding me. Alas.
So this post has taken me all week to write. I have been so busy at work and exhausted when I come home that I haven't taken the time to finish it. I am finishing it now. Tonight is Friday, which means Burnham Bowl, a potential sleepover (omg omg omg), work on Saturday and Mother's Day.
Happy Friday, ya'll!
