Oh lord, I am such an f-ing psycho

So tonight I have a date.

Hooray right? I should be all excited, thinking about what I am going to wear and whatnot...

NO.

NO FUCKING WAY.

I do this EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a first date or I am going to hang out with someone for the first time. I find some reason to blow them off. Sometimes it is a legitimate reason like I don't feel well, and other times it is because I just decide I hate them and the world and would rather hang out with my REAL friends or be by myself than make a new friend or lover or something.

I am not joking, I have done it every single time. With everyone.

Is it some kind of crazy initiation rite? You have to be blown off and shunned by me in order for me to like you? Robin likened it to the jewish faith, where you have to ask three times before you can be initiated or something... which is fucking retarded of me. These are NICE people who want to hang out with me and I'm like oh no no no. This won't do at all!

Last night I was feeling all good about this and like yeah! I have a date! I am teh cute! And I woke up this morning and all I can feel is a tightness in my chest and a sense of dread. For like, no reason... at least no discernable reason.

I do things like this a lot, actually. Take, for example, deciding on where to eat dinner on Sushi Mondays. I will ALWAYS say no to the first three suggestions REGARDLESS of what they are. I don't care if all I want is pizza and you suggest pizza, because I will say noooo, how about something else? But I won't offer a suggestion until much later. I mean, who fucking does that?

Is this some sort of power thing? Is it some kind of bizarre self gratification or feelings of superiority? I always feel like shit after I do it, but that doesn't stop me from doing it... EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I always then call the person and I'm like, okay let's do something on ____ and we do and it is great... it's just the first time I can't get over.

But NO! I AM GOING OUT TONIGHT AND IT WILL BE GRAND!

If I don't kill myself first. Argh.