a study in absurdity

holy crap i need to update. but in the meantime...

2007-07-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

I don't want to alarm you, but those of you who are under 17 (which is like, no one)... you had better get off this blog RIGHT NOW.

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

fuck (6x)
sex (4x)
shit (3x)
death (2x)
suicide (1x)

Whoops. I need to update, I know I know. This is a start, yeah?

/craziness

2007-05-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

Ooook.

Get a grip Keeks.

So I came home, and had a long bath. And ate some sorbet. And watched Frasier.

Things really look better after all that.

Here is my problem: I am forgetting about the Summer of Nicki principles.

How do I expect to be on fire if I am moping around wondering about things that I have ZERO control over? How do I expect to have a killer summer if I spend my time focusing on things that might not even happen?

Fuck that!

I have got some awesome stuff coming up. Indiana Kevin is coming to town! INDIANA KEVIN! He is so cute! I know I kind of got caught up with stuff and let things slide with him a little, but he's going to be in town with Lynsy! Hooray! And Matt! Hooray!

It's time I picked up where I left off: as a no good street punk.

Okay, maybe not. I am just watching the Simpsons and that happened to be the line I just heard. :-)

Carpe motherfucking diem.

ohhhh, my voice of reason.

2007-05-31T14:49:00.001-05:00

Jackie, what would I do without her. I called her and told her all about these shenanigans with Michael and how I was feeling...

And I got a steely silence.

Oh, lordy, here we go.

And when the girl has a point to make, she has a point to MAKE! She lit into me about how whether or not Michael realises it, he is just preparing himself for when he comes home and has to get back into the swing of life back here. And one major, major facet of that life was me, whether either of us want to admit it. Regardless if I will still be a part of his life, that is yet to be determined, and can't be, until he is back in Milwaukee.

(Now, editor's note: Michael DID say that he was pulling back slightly from his friends in Italy in preparation. He's not stupid, he knows what's up)

I am not going to make excuses for him and his actions and Jacks made me realise that I am already compromising that. I got burned pretty big time and it hurt. A lot. More than I care to admit to mysef or anyone, for that matter. I am pretty tough and I do an excellent job of masking my true feelings, but when Michael broke up with me, it was a serious blow.

And I can't let myself forget that.

I can't just forgive and forget just with a dismissive brush of the hand, because that is trivialising everything that I went through since he's been gone. He broke my heart like it never has been before but I rallied, pulled my friends and family close to me and got through it. How is that fair to myself to just let him back in?

I asked her if it would be okay if we ever got back together, and she said yes, if he proves that he knows he hurt me and appreciates me for everything. To myself, I kind of thought "Michael won't make that kind of effort for me." and when I realised what I had said, it kind of choked me up a little. I don't know if he would or not, but if he doesn't, then I don't need to be with a guy who won't.

I am really fabulous. And someone out there will appreciate that and want to fight for me.
And if not, I can fight for myself.

Michael taught me that.

I've gone to look for America

2007-05-29T11:05:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Washington DC.

It was a very, very good trip indeed.

I flew out early Thursday morning, after Troy drove me to the airport. He slept over the night before and of course, no monkeyshines ensued. In fact, even less than before, if you can believe that. I will revisit this momentarily however.

My flight out was fine. Nothing even remotely interesting happened and Jen picked me up from the airport. It was so good to see her, I haven't seen her since my 21st birthday. We went and got our haircut (which was something that we did kind fo all the time in Belgium) and looked quite lovely indeed. I specifically said no bangs, and I now have bangs, but besides that, my hair is pretty cute. We went for a drive to Mt Vernon (not going inside, mind you!) and then went back to her place to get ready.

We met up with Sean (whom is oft referred to as my Lover in Connecticut... we were in Belgium with him) on Capitol Hill and wandered around until we found a little Brazilian bar and got drinks. It was nice catching up with him (although he and I have talked since Belgium, we haven't seen each other in seven years or whathave you).

Friday, Jen and I went to Arlington National Cemetary and the Lincoln Memorial. We couldn't see very much though, as we had tickets to see the Pirates of the Caribbean movie (which, allow me to mention, was terrifically bad), but that was okay. I would make up for the lack of sightseeing on Saturday.

And boy did I. I was in DC by myself by 8:30 am (Jen had to work all day, so I was left to my own devices) and saw the Lincoln Memorial again, the Vietnam, Korea and WWII Memorials, the Washington Monument, the White House, the US Treasury and the Mall, all before 10:30.

The Vietnam and Korea War Memorials were amazing. As I was walking up to the Vietnam Memorial, "War" by Edwin Starr came on and I just started crying. I am simply no good when it comes to war stuff. I cry when I watch war movies like you wouldn't believe. And they don't even have to be GOOD war movies! So walking up to the Memorial and seeing the Vietnam vets doing rubbings or sitting quietly or crying... it was all very intense.

I met up with my cousin at the Holocaust museum and we went through there. She was very struck by it, whereas I was not quite so much. Not because it wasn't well done or evocative because it was, but more so because I have actually been to Dachau and Terezin (a work camp in the Czech Republic) and nothing, NOTHING can compare to actually being there. I told my cousin that I will never forget the smell and the weight of the air there. It is a terrible, sobering place and regardless of how well done a museum is, it can't compare.

We then went over to the Natural History Museum, which was a lot of fun. It was PACKED because it was Memorial Day weekend and a Saturday, but it was okay. We took lots of wacky pictures and had a good time. It was great, I was standing next to the display containing the Hope Diamond and this kid standing next to me wheels around and says in the singularly angriest, most chagrined voice I have ever heard: "HEY!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS THE GIFT SHOP!!"

Afterwards, she took me to Annapolis (which is where she lives) and showed me the sights. Talk about a lovely town. It was very typical old charm East Coast. We went to dinner at a crab shack (which incidentally was out of crab) and then got drinks with her husband (whom I had never met before) and then took the train back to Virginia where Jen picked me up. I didn't get back until after 12. Needless to say, I pretty much passed out immediately.

Sunday, I was really not feeling well. We went to brunch in downtown Alexandria and then came back to Jen's place and watched a movie. It was all very nice and relaxed. Unfortunately, the flight back was not so much. We were delayed an hour on the runway because of bad weather, and the flight was a little rough. However, the couple I was sitting next to got up and moved back to some open seats so I was able to have three seats to myself and could stretch out.

That's pretty much the gist of it. I really still do not feel good and thusly called in sick to work today. Ha, I need a holiday from my holiday. Shut up!

So let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? Because that's what this is all about, isn't it? The dirt? The dish? The scoop?

I was walking to the monuments and I was overcome with a terrible sadness. Not for the monuments or whatever (but yes, that did too, you know) but as I was wandering along by myself, all I wanted was for Michael to be there with me. I don't know why. it's not like we had ever gone to DC together, but it was like he was SUPPOSED to be there with me. I missed him more in that moment than the entire time he has been gone. I called Robin, because I wanted to call Michael and knew that would be a bad idea. So I called her and she was like, "What's up?" and I said "I'm depressed" and she goes "Why, because you are walking around by yourself and you want nothing more to have Michael there with you?"

Um. Okay. I guess.

So eventually I did end up calling him, and it was nice. I made no mention of how I was feeling, and had a nice chat.

When I got home though, he saw I was online and wanted to skype, so we did. It was a great conversation and eventually I bit the bullet and just sort of told him. I figured, it's Michael, right? If I can't talk to him, who can I talk to? And I started crying. I don't know if he knew I was crying, I certainly didn't want to tell him. As we were skyping, I noticed the songs he was listening to (he has a plug in on Adium that lists what he is listening to, I have the same one) and they were all my songs. And when I say "my songs" I mean songs that I downloaded and put into a play list for him. So I asked about it and he was like "of course they are your songs. You make good mixes. Ironically, I am listening to the 'I Miss Mixx Mix'" (which was a mix I made of the real tear jerkers, all the songs that I associated with our relationship, which had stuff like Mazzy Star's Fade Into You, Talk Talk's It's My Life, Kiss at the End of the Rainbow from A Mighty Wind). Which endeared him to me even more.

GAHHHHHHHH.

WHAT AM I DOING?! WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I miss him more than anything. He told me he misses me too. He said that there were a couple of times when he wished I was there because he wanted to say something but knew I would be the only one to get it. At one point I sort of shrieked that I hated him and that I didn't like him and he laughed and went "Aww, I like you too!" I said "No! No! I DON'T like you!" to which he replied "Ahh, you DON'T like me. I don't know why you would, I am a jerk!"

But the shit of it is, I don't dislike him. I don't hate him. I don't even think he is a jerk. Yes, he has done some jerky things. Who hasn't? Someone (I forget who) asked me if I could forgive him for cheating on me. But shockingly, maybe stupidly, I don't even think of it as him cheating on me. I knew it was going to happen and I knew when it was happening... the thing that pissed me off was that he tried to cover it up, albeit not very well. But I understand why. It's hard to fess up to your significant other that you messed around, regardless of how intuitive they are. It had to happen, all of it. Even if we don't get back together, many lessons have been learned. That same person asked me if I could trust him again, or if I would always wonder if he was going to cheat on me again and I resoundingly responded that it was not an issue of trust. It has so little to do with that.

Lynsy mentioned to me that he was like the Mr Big to my Carrie from Sex in the City. Love him for everything, forgive him for anything and compare everyone I date to him.

:-\ gah.

seriously, wtf

2007-05-21T09:25:00.000-05:00

Okay.

Is it so much to ask to want someone to pat me on the head, put me in their pocket and give me koala yum yums? I'd do it for them!

So first off, I got the new kitten on Thursday. I named her Olivia Bouvier, she is very cute. She and Emmylou are already chasing each other around, all is right with the world.

But enough cat-ladying. The real issue here is Troy. Okay, so I went over to his apartment at midnight or whatever on Saturday. If a lovely girl comes over to your house at midnight, she is not going over there to have a little fucking chat. She is not going over there to JUST watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. She is going over there because there is a 99.9% chance of getting laid, and frankly, she'll take those odds.

So when she goes over there and not only is there no sex but barely any touching and certainly no kissing, something is amiss.

Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time with him, he's funny and smart and blah blah blah, but COME ON. Give me a break!

So I woke up before he did on Sunday and was all "okay, Sunday morning sex is the way to go!" so I jumped on top of him, nipped his ear...

... and nothing...

WTF! Fine. Fine.

We went to Racine and got skillets, which mollified me and had a great breakfast, great conversation, the whole bit. We went to Tenuta's in Kenosha because I wanted to get Jen a hostess gift, which didn't work out, and had a nice time there. We then drove back to Milwaukee and he fell asleep on my couch...

And all I could do was think about how much nicer it was with Michael.

It's not to say I had a bad time with Troy, because I didn't. It was nice. But Michael and I had Sunday mornings down pat. Breakfast, car rides, Italian groceries. It felt weird to not be doing it with him. I missed laughing at the insane overhead pages at Tenuta's with him. I missed the way he would hold my hand in the car.

I guess this is really all stemming from the fact that we have been talking a lot more recently, because he finally has the internets in Italy. And as much as it bothers me to admit it, I miss him. Talking to him like this reminds me of when we first started getting invovled, when he was up at UWM and I was in Racine. We had great conversations about everything. That was never a problem with us, we always had something to talk about.

He is coming home soon and I am terrified. It has been relatively easy dealing with all of this because he was gone and there was no chance of running into him, I never had to see him, all of his friends just became my friends, there was no weird exchanging of items, he was in my life and then there was nothing. But maybe, all I did was just ignore everything and refuse to deal with how much I was actually hurt and how deeply I really felt/feel for him.

Jackie mentioned to me that the definition of crazy is doing something the exact same way and expecting different results. I know this is totally presumptious and pre-emptive, but would it be the same when he gets home? No. Obviously. I am completely different than how I was a year ago, and I know the same goes for him, if not more. Is that something that I even want? I don't know. Do I miss him? Of course I do. Does my stomach still lurch if I get a whiff of the cologne he wears? Indeed. Do I get a little weak in the knees when I think about how he used to hug me? Totally. Does a little part of me just wants him to come home, kiss me and tell me that I am all he wants? Yes.

This might also have something to do with the fact that yet another set of friends just got engaged. This is not to say that all I want to do is get married, but for fuck's sake, what am I doing wrong?! I have a ton of guy friends and they LOVE me. I am killer in the sack... what is the deal here?

I am kind of an eternal romantic. I am hyper-sensitive, although I hide it well but I am also a realist. There is a very, very good chance that Michael wants nothing to do with me (in the romantic sense) and I am okay with that. I know that we had our problems and I know us breaking up was great for both of us. I know that I was hard on him about some stuff and I was a little on the over bearing side (which is really stupid, as the majority of it was all bullshit, I cannot BELIEVE myself sometimes) and yes, he had issues himself and pulled some boneheaded stunts. But we are human. And I miss him.

wtf is wrong with me.

she is really starting to get to me

2007-05-16T06:42:00.000-05:00

So I am knee deep in book buyback this week, which is a good and a bad thing. It is a good thing as we get to replenish stock on books for the upcoming semesters that are being reused without having to spend the money on shipping, people get a little cash for their books... but it is also awful. People just do not get how book buying works. You are not going to get full price for your texts. THEY ARE USED. It is NOT MY FAULT that the book has gone into a new edition and you aren't going to get any money because your edition is now obsolete. We seriously try to avoid that situation as much as possible, but we have no control over the forthcoming editions.

But really, the worst part about it, is the book buyers themselves. They are contractors for the company we do most of our work with and are both in their late 60s and married. I swear to god, this woman is the most abrasive, pushy person I have ever met in my life. And keep in mind, this is coming from me, who is classically trained in the abrasive/pushy department (although I like to think of it as "challenging" and "highly suggestive" ). With that said, I dread seeing her every time. She thinks I am just some stupid kid who knows nothing about books, book buying and computers (she is dreadfully wrong on all three counts) and she doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me, which seeing her spindly, papery arms, is not far at all.

EVERYTHING that I do with this woman makes her ssssssssiiiiiiiiiigh and second guess me. I just don't understand how a woman who has been doing this basically since the dawn of time has NO concept of how computers work. Cindy was leaving on Monday and she was like "Okay, Clara will take care of everything tonight, I am leaving." and Kay (the she-beast) says "Sssssssiiiiiiiiiigh... well, does she know how to shut these down properly?" and indicated the two computers in front of her. Cindy kind of gaped at her and said, "Um, well. Yes. Clara knows how to shut down the computers." We then went through this whole rigamarole with the money being put in the safe to which she tried to take the key home with her and I staunchly refused to do that, as I did not have the authority to let her do that and when I told Cindy about that in the morning, she said "WHAT!? She has NEVER taken that key home! Why would she do that? Maaaan, she didn't trust YOU at ALL!"

So last night when we went through it again, I wanted to hide the key on her so VERY VERY badly, but I am a mature type person and abstained, although it pretty much took all of my will power.

At any rate, this week is rather dragging a little bit and because of all these monkeyshines, I have been in kind of a bad mood. I also can't manage to keep my eyes open after 10pm unless I am on the phone with someone. I can't make it through the Simpsons, which is terrifically depressing. I am getting to be old. I also have been waking up before my alarm, about 30 minutes before I need to get up, which is also annoying. I know that is actually good for you, to wake up naturally, but damn if I just really like being asleep.

Next week is DC and I have done nothing to prepare for it. I really need to go to a Barnes and Noble and get a travel guide or something, as I will have a bunch of time on my own to do some sightseeing. I am really okay with that though, as I did that when I was in Boston and I had a pretty great time.

I am also starting to make my plans for this weekend and everything kind of keeps falling apart. There will be no Burnham Bowl as people are busy/out of town, there will be no Brewer's game as it is sold out and Troy and I can't seem to make up our minds as of what to do. I think we are going to go hit a bucket of balls or something on Sunday, but I am not sure as of yet. I really would rather eat a skillet, sleep in and have sex (not necessarily in that order) but beggars can't be choosey. :-)

Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to go to work. Get moving, Keeks.

smittennessocity

2007-05-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

So this smitten trend continues.

I am kind of nauseating myself at this point , but what are you going to do, ya know? It's been a really long time since I felt like this... I don't even remember even feeling like this.

With Michael, there was most definitely smit but it was presented in such a radically different way. With Michael it was a slow immersion into his life (admittedly, with him struggling the whole time)... like an IV into his arm. There was a lot of convincing and prodding and whatnot. I of course babbled incessantly about him, but if one was to go back and revisit my blog at that time, there is a difference.

De toute facon, all is well in the world of me. There was sort of a State of the Union address with Troy on Saturday, with me just basically pulling the Nicki Babble Fest and prattled on about how I am going to Washington DC and I would have opportunity to make out with people and how did he feel about that and it wasn't so much that I wanted to, but more if there was nothing going on with us then I wouldn't feel bad but if there was something going on or perhaps leading to something going on well then, that would be good to keep in mind and I wouldn't go tart it out blah blah blah. He just started laughing at me and said "Well, things seem to be going well thus far, you know?" He then asked me why I was even worrying about this, as this trip is WEEKS away... but it's not! And I'm crazy!

We then talked about the Craigslist posting I did about a month ago. It was a post on "Missed Connections" that said Troy! as the title and basically said "I think you are the cutest person I have ever met. You have no idea how often I talked our other roomies ear off about you. To say that I am intrigued by your piercing is putting it mildly." which I thought was delightfully coy. I told Tom about this and he was like "Awwww... OKAY PSYCHO." So I took it down. Troy kept off handedly saying things like "Satisfying curiosity" and "intrigue" and so I was like, goddamnit, he wants to have a little chat about this... So I lead off by saying "So... umm.... did you happen to see a Craigslist posting..." and he goes "Of course I did. I am obsessed with Craigslist. I knew it was you."

I swear to Christ, it has been a looooong time since I was that embarassed. Yes, I knew he would see it. Yes, I knew he would know it was me. NO I DID NOT CARE TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT ABOUT IT.

He then starts in about how he knew that I liked him because Tom forwarded all the emails I had written re: Troy. This information causes me to have a complete meltdown. What did he mean, FORWARDED ALL THE EMAILS? (::panicking, panicking. laughing awkwardly::) And Troy goes, "Oh well you know, they weren't the complete emails.. they had Tom's opinion interjected in there and whatnot." I sort of whimper, realizing the ramifications of this statement. Jesus lord NO. Tom wouldn't have done that to me... would he? I pose that question, to which he sort of smirks and says "Yeah, he did... it was nice though. Flattering. It was... what is the word I am looking for... gushing?"

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

I did gush in those emails. I gushed like I have never gushed before. I gushed and it was nauseating and awful and I basically owe Tom a big one for putting up with it. BUT WTF! HE FORWARDED THEM?! TOM IS A ROMANTIC! A POET! HOW DOES HE JUSTIFY FORWARDING GUSHY EMAILS!?

I just kept repeating "You are LYING. Tom wouldn't do that to me. Would he? No! YOU ARE LYING." and I pulled my hoodie over my face much to Troy's delight. He said "Awwww, Kiki! It's okay! You don't need to be embarassed! Why are you blushing Keeks?! Huh? Awww!"

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and called Tom at work. He answered and I asked him point blank if he had forwarded the emails. He paused and was like "No.... why would I have done th-" and was interrupted by me shrieking "You son of a bitch! Gaaaaah!!" Troy laughing hysterically and the sounds of me leaping on top of him and punching.

But it was all in fun, you know? It's nice to get a little shit now and again. I can dish it pretty wicked and it is not every time that someone has the cajones to give it back. Not only that, but to let it get to the point where I called Tom. He said he was hoping that Tom would have gone along with it, but I know better. He then sort of pulled me next to him and I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me.

The next day was Mandy's baby shower... AWKWARD. Ben wouldn't look at me (nevermind that I was sitting DIRECTLY next to Mandy. Um, okay then. I have no hard feelings at all towards him or the situation. That was AGES ago! At one point Mandy leaned into me and said "Do you think I should annouce that YOU are the reason any of us are here?" Ha! Oh the irony of it all! Ben should be PRAISING me, not avoiding me. Alas.

So this post has taken me all week to write. I have been so busy at work and exhausted when I come home that I haven't taken the time to finish it. I am finishing it now. Tonight is Friday, which means Burnham Bowl, a potential sleepover (omg omg omg), work on Saturday and Mother's Day.

Happy Friday, ya'll!

lovely, indeed

2007-05-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I'm soooo tired...

2007-05-01T09:42:00.000-05:00

So I have been really kicking out the jams when it comes to this training thing. It's been a week now, and I am starting to overcome the hesitation to get out and get moving. It's hard though... going from a reasonably sendentary lifestyle (well, except the pilates and the kayacking, which I haven't done as it has been winter) to going a strong minimum of two miles. Needless to say though, today I am very sore and tired because I was hauling ass yesterday. Today is my rest day, praise be!

I did buy a little blue iPod shuffle though, this weekend because I needed a little motivation plus my cd player just wasn't cutting it anymore and I am pretty sure that it was the best thing I have ever purchased for myself. It really makes a big difference when you are moving, having a steady beat behind you.

Last night was Sushi Monday with the Merchants (both of them, it was nice to see Guy again) and we went out for Mexican food. I usually don't finish my meal when I go out, because I am not only a finicky eater, but mst restaurants feed you way too much. Last night though, I felt like I couldn't eat enough. I ate more yesterday than I usually do (introducing breakfast back into my repetoire) but I think my body is freaking out a little and is demanding more calories or something. Well f-you! Use up the stored shit!

Tonight is a card game rematch between me and the self proclaimed cribbage master. Quite frankly though, if I can somehow manage to get the card game abandoned for another sort of activity, all the better.

Bwahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha. Somehow manage. Please. I am like sugar.

you yada yada-ed over the best part!

2007-04-30T09:43:00.000-05:00

Oh man.

I knew this year was going to rock. In January I sat down and said that I basically had had enough with myself, with my life and the way things were going. I decided to stop bitching about things that I could not change and to take charge with the things I could and thus far, things are working better than I could have ever imagined.

I just wanted to get that out of the way.

So Friday was of course karaoke at Burnham Bowl... I went with Eric and Brant and there was much fun. Eric and I did Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector's "Take Me Home Tonight" which is still a perennial favorite. We befriended this drunk girl and her equally drunk boyfriend (well, actually Brant did.. they took him home with them to smoke pot, but I am pretty sure they could have had a threesome).

Saturday was my TNT kickoff party... that was kind of a tear jerker. The father of the kid we are running for got up and started talking about him and started crying and pretty much everyone in the room was crying too. I got my official training packet, which is pretty terrifying to look at and realise that in June (JUNE!!!) I will be running/jogging/walking 10 miles on a Saturday. You have got to be f-ing joking me. I have to go buy shoes which is going to be interesting... right now my feet are kind of killing me as I am clearly wearing the wrong kind, but that is okay... I'll remedy that.

On Sunday I went to Racine and with Jacks, walked from my parents house to the ligthouse and back down which was about three miles. We then went swimming and oooh, did I get some sun! I love this summery feeling, it has been way too long.

Now with all the niceties out of the way, the dirt: so on Saturday, Troy and I were going to go see Grindhouse or what have you but when I was training (I went from my apt to the stadium and back, essentially) I realised that the last thing I wanted to do was to go sit inside a movie theatre (even though it IS the Rosebud, which is awesome) and as he had just been biking, he really didnt want to either. So he came by and we walked to Antigua, which is a block from my place and serves up a mean latin cusine. It was really authentic, which was a nice change of pace. We started drinking, he had tequila sunrises and I had coconut-raspberry margaritas... which ws really playing with fire on my part. Every really boneheaded stunt that I have pulled has been a direct result of tequila.

At the end of the meal, the waitress brings out "complementary shots of msdadkjhakjdh" and i looked at Troy and said "What did she say this was a shot of?" and he goes "Eh, I have no idea. Cheers!" and we took it down.

At that moment, I almost threw up. It was peach schnapps, which I DESPISE. A very ill fated St Patricks day 4 years ago rendered it impossible for me to stomach much anything peach flavored, let alone the devil's brew itself. My body now recognises peach schnapps as a poison and it took everything I had not to puke right there at the table.

So we went back to my place and polished off a bottle of cabernet sauvignon and smoked a pretty copious amount of pot. I am really going to have to knock all this business off though... training for a marathon means easy on the booze and no more pot smoking. Brownies however... I kid, I kid.

He kissed me goodbye. It was tender and sweet. I almost think we might be seeing each other. Is that possible? I asked him when he wanted to get his ass kicked in rummy and he suggested Tuesday. TUESDAY?! I wasn't going to suggest anything before Thursday so as not to come across too strong or too interested (goddamn, I hate these games!) but lo: he did. Plus, generally when we end a chat on IM he says something like "later" or nothing at all. But last night he wished me sweet dreams. SWEET DREAMS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Further, he commented on my myspace, which he has never done, so it showed a little "I'm thinking about you-ness" which is v. v. nice.

Oh man.

::dies::

excellent.

2007-04-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

Man, do I feel good.

So this is day three of my 180 some odd marathon training. I have run 4 miles in the past two days, which is not great, but considering I haven't run... ever... I am really proud of myself. Tomorrow is my TNT kick off training and I am kind of excited about it. I will meet my trainers and mentors and get my marathon training schedule. So carpe diem.

I have inundated teh intorwebs with my fundraising info, posting on myspace, facebook and emailing pretty much everyone on my email. I started this all yesterday and while my goal is $5100, I have already raised $385, which is nothing to sneeze at. Several of my friends have donated so generously, I just can't believe it. And SURPRISING people too, like Daniela, my mexican friend that I was in Belgium with. Also, a girl named Mandie, whom I don't even know, but she knows Eric and gave money. It gives me so much inspiration to keep going... and I have a LONG way to go.

What else is going on... oh, I know. I AM TOTALLY FREAKING SMITTEN IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

Troy is AMAZING. We have been talking pretty much every day and last night I went over there to play cribbage (cribbage?! did I mention that he plays board games with me? Is that possible!?) and I fixed dinner (pasta and red sauce... I had to bring my own pot though, as their kitchen is shit). And although he is thoroughly disdainful of Led Zeppelin, and schooled me at cards, we had such a good time. I could probably gush for another 12 paragraphs on him, but I won't.

It has been a long time since I have felt this good about a potential relationship. Ironically, it comes not long after claiming The Summer Of Nicki. But isn't that how it always works? As soon as you stop looking and stop caring, kapow! Rainbows and lollypops.

So the weekend coming up... tonight I am off to either Burnham Bowl for karaoke with Brant, Lindsay and probably Eric or to the VFW in Bayview for karaoke. Apparently Friday is karaoke night. Saturday I have to work, but I am also going to my kickoff party. Also on Saturday Troy and I are hanging out... potentially going to see Grindhouse at the Rosebud...

But frankly, I don't care what we do.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

so not to be all romantic but...

2007-04-23T10:43:00.000-05:00

So I am a big fan of kismet.

I always have been. Like when Michael and I first started dating, I would have these really lucid dreams about us being together and not to give up because it would all work out... and then it did.

I like coincidences, I like karma, however you want to word it. I like premonitions (which I don't know if I chalk up to psychic-ness, but more an inherent knowledge of people) and I certainly like being pleased when it happens.

So with that said, when I was on my way to Linneman's on Saturday, I was going through the radio and I listened to "Back On The Chain Gang" by The Pretenders, which I love.

Aloud, to myself, I said "This song will always remind me of Troy" which is odd. I am not exactly that sort of person (don't get me wrong, there are songs that remind me of my exes, but there was more of a reason to them you know... not just like, a random song).

So whatever, Linneman's then his house... and we get into his room and he puts on iTunes and what is the album that he plays for me?

The Pretenders.

omg omg omg

2007-04-22T20:31:00.000-05:00

Ohh, all is right with the world.

So Friday I went out and ran errands with Jackie, stopping off at Jose's Blue Sombrero for THE BEST MARGARITAS ON THE PLANET. We then went over to Farm and Fleet and bought a tricycle for her goddaughter.

We took it back to my apartment and tried to put it together, doing a pretty fine job until we stripped a nut and bolt trying to attach the handle bars. It was then abandoned and she took it to work the next day to have a burly Harley type person to put it together.

Brant and his girlfriend came over afterwards and we went over to the ultimate of townie bars, Burnham Bowl. We started doing shots and then Lindsay and I decided to take matters into our own hands and started karaoke-ing it up. We did a pretty awesome version of Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector's "Take Me Home Tonight" and I attempted Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" which was pretty intense. I befriended a few middle aged women who frequent the bar and they asked if Brant and I were siblings. That was a new one, I don't think of people as looking like me, probably because I don't have any siblings and don't think about people in that way. We both sort of narrowed our eyes at each other and were like "Oh shit, yeah, I can see that." Which is weird.

On Saturday I had to work, which is vexing as I never usually have to work, but it was okay, save for the fact that I was kinda hungover. I worked with naughty Sue so she kept me in stitches with her smutty talk and that made things okay.

Saturday night I went over to Linneman's and met up with Jackie and Hannah to see the Chop Top Toronados (the lead singer Mark gave us tshirts, that's pretty nifty) and I had talked to Troy (my ex roommate) and invited him out. So he shows up....

And I pretty much died.

We have been talking recently online and whatnot and we went out on Wednesday to the Hi-Fi and got coffee (I tried to get decaf, it wasn't and I was pretty much bouncing off the walls) and then went to the coffee shop in Bayview for a late dinner. I finally had to leave him at 11:30 because I needed to get to sleep, but I pretty much had to drag myself out of there. We were just chatty chatty chatty...

I have always had a pretty major crush on him, ever since he moved in... but that is a tricky, slippery slope... the roommate situation. That basically had disaster written all over it and I wisely steered clear.

But he is not my roommate anymore. Oh no he is not.

So he came out Saturday night and I was just... I don't know. I'm all squeeeeeeeee! But like, legitimately so. He is pee-your-pants funny, and so smart. And he seems to think I am funny, which is even better. We just really click mentally... there were a few times where I found myself thinking "oh my god, that is exactly what I would have said" or better, I said something and he would say "I was just thinking that!" which is a very very good sign.

After developing episcleritis (which is basically eye arthritis) my eyes have become kind of sensitive to smoke. After being at Burnham Bowl and then going to Linneman's, my eyes were on fire, so I mentioned this to Troy and he suggested we go back to his place (muahahahaha, why yes, yes, I would like to go back to your house) so we went over there.

So we started smoking pot and drinking Pabst (like true Riverwest kids) and we just talked. Until 5:30 am. I finally told him that I had to get some sleep because I was in no condition to drive and I was exhausted. We fell asleep until we were woken up by Tom coming home (Tom being my other ex roommate). He and John (their other roommate) were in the kitchen and Tom saw my purse and said "So am I to assume that there is a girl here?" and John replied "Yeah, Troy has got someone in there" to which Tom said "Is it Nicki?"

Bwahahahahaha. Yes, hello. It is me.

So we were just all cozied up and I felt all languid and warm and happy (if there is one thing I like better than brunch on a Sunday, it is snuggling on a Sunday)(although probably the reason that I was languid was because I had about 15 minutes of solid sleep).

Oh man. I can't believe how awesome he is. Not to mention hot. He has got these green eyes that KILL me. He's got kicky glasses too...

And wildly, unbelievably, it seems as though he might like me too?

OUTSTANDING. OUTSTANDING!!

Good for me, better for others.

2007-04-21T11:31:00.000-05:00

So I just signed up for Team In Training, which is part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Basically what that means is that I am now going to be training for a marathon (although I think I will start off with a half marathon, we'll see) and start raising money for research.

I really only know of a few people who have passed away or who had leukemia, but cancer is cancer. I know I have talked about this before, but my grandmother passed away from colon cancer when I was 15 and ever since then I have sort of been hyper aware of cancer and it's devestating effects. Robin's dad passed away from pancreatic cancer and I am a strong supporter of PanCan, but I have always felt that there was more I could do.

I was talking to one of my best friends, Jen, who recently ran a marathon in Miami for HIV/AIDS research and was really inspired by that. What was stopping me from doing the same thing? Nothing, except my own self doubts, my lack of dedication and my out-of-shapeness. So, yeah, those are all shitty reasons. I can run a marathon. Yes, I am not in the best shape (I'm getting better) but there is no reason why I can't just train for it. I need to be dedicated to something philanthropic instead of my own causes and frankly, this is a pretty good one.

Team In Training provides training, travel and resources in exchange for fundraising. So not only will I be getting my ass into shape, but I will have the opportunity to travel (yeah, Dublin perhaps?) and I will be supporting a great cause.

So there we go. I feel really good. I think grandma would be proud too.

You can do it too.

I just broke glass, and not in a Mazel Tov! jewish kind of way

2007-04-19T12:24:00.000-05:00

So I was walking as nice as can be after my break from the front of the store (where I had just purchased a snapple) and SOMEHOW I managed to slip (in my kicky red shoes, very very vexing) and

KABLAMO!

My right arm flailed out and I mangaged to bring my hand and snapple through two glass shelves, my knees dropped and I hit the floor and tried to brace myself with my right hand.

Glass was everywhere, my pants are/were soaked with tea and I had to fill out an accident report. I feel a little beat up at the moment, but okay... I am just feeling awfully burly at the moment... not many girls can cut through glass with a mere flick of their wrists!

Snapple, anyone?

New, exciting things!

2007-04-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

So now, if you haven't noticed, you can now subscribe to my blog and have it delivered straight to your email. Ooh, very kicky indeed. Of course, you could just subscribe to the feed, but really... this is cooler.

I can't guarantee that you will get updates everyday but I can promise you that you will get quality and no spam. So that's pretty nifty.

Ugh. I am so tired. Join up. It really makes things easier.

"You should try 'Nature's Miracle' to get the puke smell out."

2007-04-10T16:41:00.000-05:00

So Friday I went out with Brant to Burnham Bowl. Burnham Bowl is approximately 40 feet from my front door and is the epitome of Stallis townie hangout. We went in there and there were these bizarre Stallica types singing THE worst karaoke I have ever heard in my life. And I have heard some bad karaoke. There were a few metal heads, some ultra conservative girls, a few foriegn guys of questionable origin, two hipsters, a bunch of old timers and a gaggle of slutty types (but not the good kind... the Selma Bouvier desperation kind) and then me and Brant... however you can define the elitist, pretentious
tpes that we are.

Oh, but we had a merry time, drinking (High Life, what what!) and making fun of every single person in there. No one was safe from our scorn, including each other. Matt then came around, after 11 and joined us in the mirth making and it was a very good time, indeed.

Well, a good as a time as you can have at Burnham Bowl. However, both of them have since said they want to make Friday nights a regular occurance. The interesting thing is that NO ONE was bowling. Wacky, wacky stuff.

On Saturday, I organised a little sortie for Robin as she was in town for Easter and I felt she needed to go out. I went to dinner with her family (Jeni, Christina, Tom, Robin and her mom) to Thai Palace (oh god, Volcano Tofu, I would marry you if I could) and then we went over to Mo's Irish Pub and met up with the Merchants of Death (Guy and Eric) and Missie and Greg.

I started drinking a Smithwicks and took about a sip and a half and gave the rest to Eric. My stomach was just not feeling that good. Tom bought me a Irish Car Bomb because he said he owed me for my birthday, so I did the shot... blehhhhh. I was like, okay water for me! Robin was all chagrined and I snarkily informed her that while I chose not to continue drinking, she was welcome to it.

So she did. Boy, did she.

We went from Mo's over to John Hawk's Pub where we were pretty much the only people in the entire place. There, the beer was flowing and then the shots came out and my little friends got toasty. I was having a fine time with my water and stale popcorn and just watching the interactions. Eventually I went over to Jeni who was driving and was like, "ummmm... you think maybe it is time to cut these kids off?" and nodded knowingly at Robin, who was bent over backwards in uproarious laughter.

I went to collect her and she was like "Where are we going?! Where are we going!?" and Jeni told her it was a wonderful place... my apartment, to which Robin started yelling at us. As we went out the door, Guy ran over into the phone booth (which is like, an english style booth) and Robin grabbed my hand (I was at the back of the group) and with Eric, they shoved me into the booth with him. He and I sort of looked at each other and were like "Uh, okay?" as Robin crowed from outside "Now, MAKE OUT!!" and Eric blocked the door.

So there were some amusing pics taken, and then Guy and I tried to get out, and knock Eric out of the way, but he is a strong guy and the door didn't even budge. They eventually lost interest in trying to get us to make out and walked away, but the door was stuck and took both of us to loosen it.

Jeni drove us home and I made up a little pallet on my couch for Robin. After I was done, I went to get into my jammers and when I came out, Robin had gotten under the covers, faced the wall and closed her eyes but still proceeded to yell at me about going home "early" (even though it was like, 2 AM) and I told her to shut up and go to sleep.

I woke up early the next morning as it was Easter Sunday (in your FACE, Lent! BEST. LENT. EVER. I totally didn't cheat and lost like 15 lbs in the process. SWEET) and I walk out to the living room where I spy a piece of paper towel on the floor. Robin rolled over and I was like, what's up with the paper towel?

Turns out, she threw up in the middle of the night into her hand, but didn't manage to catch it all and threw up on my floor.

Gahhhhh! Damnit! It's brand new carpeting! I haven't even spilled on it yet and here she comes, Pukey Malone!

It's okay... I am just going to lord it over her a LITTLE.

So I drove her hungover ass back to Racine and then went to my parents house. I got there before them (they were at church) and put the Honeybaked ham in the fridge (I had to go buy it on Friday, it was a lot of shenanigans) and spied the deviled eggs. I LOVE deviled eggs and thought about eating one but as I pulled out the dish, there was a little note on it: "DO NOT EAT. THIS MEANS YOU." Well, I am not going to stand for this! So I wrote a little note back: "JESUS DID NOT DIE SO I COULD BE DENIED DELICIOUS TREATS."

My parents and I then watched six hours of Jesus of Nazareth but not before my dad went into the kitchen and started tinkering. He was making all this noise and my mom was like "what are you DOING?!" and I saw that he had the blender out and asked "What are you making?" to which he replied "Daiquiris"

Because nothing says "Christ is risen" much like strawberry daiquiris.

We then sat down to eat and my mom said "Well Nicki should really have to say a prayer because she didn't go to church." So I started in like "Oh, Lord! We thank you for the BOUNTY you have placed before us. Yea, you are so mighty in your GOODNESS and we are not WORTHY of such deliciousness.." when I looked up and saw my dad purple with laughter. The conversation was thus:

Nicki: WORTHY of such deliciousness...
Dad: (sniggering)
Nicki: what is the problem here
Dad: why in the hell are you stopping?
Nicki: why in the hell are you laughing?!
Mom: JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?
Nicki: Oh lord, let me now apologise that we can't even get through a prayer to you without cursing or being blasphemous, even on the most holy of holy days...

I then went home and hung out with Matt for a little bit, going to get a late night Easter sandwich.

He's kinda cute. I might kinda like him.

Okay... that is a good update. I have to work on not slacking.

Beijos!

A Chat: Me, defined in terms of beer

2007-04-03T16:45:00.000-05:00

So it started with my status message on gchat as:

Nicki: Clara Lite. The taste more men go for!

and from there, Brant and I bandied about for a bit

Miller: I would not think you would be a person known for your taste, but whatever floats your boat

me: what is that supposed to mean?

Miller: Nothing. Nothing at all.

You sound defensive.

me: i am

Miller: Did I hit a sore spot?

me: no. i am delightfully refreshing

Miller: I am tilting my head down and raising one eyebrow quizically

me: you dont think so?

Miller: I think you are refreshing, but taste has little to do with it.

What kind of taste?

Taste in clothes?

Music?

Humor?

The topic is too broad.

me: i dont know.

Miller: Still, it's witty. No doubt.

Who is this wreck Clara?

Is her taste heavy, with slimy aftereffects?

me: nope. she is full bodied and heady. robust, with sweet notes

Miller: Ahh. Does she finish well?

me: indeed. she is to be savored. for the discriminating palate

Miller: Yet you claim to have a taste superior to this "Clara?"

me: nope, just the taste more men go for

Nicki is refreshing, easy going. Palatable and well versed, she goes with any event and heartily recieved

Miller: You are just less exotic than Clara?

me: She is just as good at a baseball game as she is the symphony

precisely

Miller: That's nothing.
I'm just as good with astrophysics as I am with spelunking.

Beat that.

me: i dont care too.

*to, rather

Miller: Who exactly is this "Clara?"

me: why? does she intreague you?

Miller: And if she does?

me: you sir, have discriminating tastes

Miller: What has that to do with the current subject?

me: i told you! preference to clara is haute to preference in nicki

nicki is for everyone

Miller: For everyone?

What about Carrot Top?

me: certainly. he enjoys nicki as much as the next man

Miller: What about homosexual men?

me: of course! nicki does not discriminate

Miller: But would he enjoy Nicki as much as a heterosexual man?

I'm asking if your company is all applications, if you understand.

me: well, depends on the situation

Miller: Aha!

So it is possible that not all men at all times would enjoy your taste?

me: i never said that it was an all the time thing

Miller: Nicki is for everyone but not at every time.

me: basically

coffee is my crack

2007-04-02T10:44:00.000-05:00

So I stopped this morning and picked up a coffee at my local Speedway.

I generally try to avoid drinking caffeinated drinks because frankly, I don't need any help being hyperactive and jittery. But I was super early to work and I was still feeling groggy so I stopped.

And man, do I feel like Whitney Houston on a bender. I'm all twitchy and I unfortunately heard the STYX song
"Too Much Time On My Hands" ::clap clap:: and I am now in the process of sort of singing it rather psychotically OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

It's probably a good thing that I have my own office.

Snuh.

::passes out, after running around like a crazy person... pant, pant::

Muah ha ha. Fire.

2007-03-31T21:44:00.000-05:00

So.

When it rains it pours.

I went out last night with Matt, even though I did try to weasel out of it. In fact, I HAD weaseled out of it, but then felt guilty and called him up and was like, look, now I'm going to be bored, you are going to be bored, let's be bored together.

So he came by and then we went to some "Irish Pub" on National in 'Stallis. And I pretty much died laughing. It looked pretty authentic from the outside, it even had a "Mc _____" name but inside, it was just a regular West Allis bar with white trash, terrible music and cheap drinks. It was actually a lot of fun. We had a nice time, I gave him a chaste hug at the end (to which Robin quipped: "Well now he thinks you are innocent 'n' stuff...")

But I got home and went to check my email and saw that the Cuteness was online (and I don't know how I started calling him that. His name is Will, that's what he'll be called from now on) so I did the crazy thing and went available to see what he would do, and lo: he messaged me.

He apologised for not calling me back or whatever and I was like, yeah it's okay, I just figured you weren't interested or whatever, no big deal... and he goes "No, actually I was TOO interested and I thought you would be turned off by me coming on too strong."

What? TOO interested? Are you joking me? I then called him out and was like, well you have a pretty shit way of showing it. YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD TO SHOVEL. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

So we kept talking or whatever and he asked me out again and I said yes, BUT. It is totally up to him and I am not going to put myself out there for me to get let down again. Not that I won't make an effort if he asks me out, but I am getting a little tired of the games...

He then asked me if I was still single and I said yes and he was like, "I can't believe you haven't been snatched up yet."

Well.

Flattery does work wonders.

I was flattered earlier this week too... I was talking to Brant online (who has a girlfriend, I am not remotely interested in him) and we were talking about his picture on his girlfriends myspace. She said "OOH, ISN'T HE HOT?" or something undeneath one of the pics and I said, there are much more flattering pictures of him and gave him examples. I then asked him if he was satisfied and if it was okay if I stopped stroking his ego, and he replied that it was and wanted to know if I wanted mine stroked.

Well, of course I do. Don't be crazy.

So he says: "Your wit is matched only by your beauty and there is a certain gentleman in Indianapolis who is either very stupid or very lucky."

::dies::

(Which reminds me of something my lover in Connecticut said while standing in New York City on New Year's Eve..."I am standing in the Village and all around me is craziness... and all I can think about is you.")

So needless to say, my ego was indeed coddled.

THEN, I went out last night with Jackie and Hannah to Foundation and Linnemans' (well, we tried to get into Linneman's but there was a line... wtf) and finally ending up at Lulu's to see the Chop Top Toronados but while we were at Foundation we were sitting at a table and this guy comes up to us.

He was pretty cute... Asian-ish, lovely smile... and he starts talking to me (hwah?). He asked me if I was in the Navy (I was wearing this navy blue jacket with white lettering that said "NAVY- ADAK- KODIAK" on the back [which was a base in WWII and Korea] that Michael and I picked up at some thrift shop a year and a half ago or something. I have never worn it out, or since Michael left, he was the one that always wore it when he was here, I don't know why I wore it last night, to be honest) to which I laughed and said no, and explained that it was vintage. He went "Ohh, I see. Yeah I am in the Navy, I was just wondering."

So then we started this little exchange about how I should have lied to impress him, but he would have called me out on it, had a little laugh and he walked away. I looked at Hannah and Jackie and was like "that was odd! He was cute!"

20 minutes or so goes by and he comes back. This time he introduces himself (although I can't remember what it is) and asks me if I ever thought about joining and we had a little chat about that, about how I took my ASVAB, blew it out of the water, almost enlisted and decided against it. He said he was just discharged and now is going to school at UWM for Economics, then he asked me where I went and what for. He was like "Ooh, so you speak French?!" and then he told me how he had been stationed in Spain...

At this point, I was like, holy crap, this guy is totally hitting on me. WHAT?! I AM AT A BAR. I NEVER GET HIT ON BY CUTE BOYS IN BARS (well, okay, I have been, but it has been a LONG time).

So he then wanders away and I remember thatI have my "cards" in my purse. These are literally the greatest gift my mother has ever given me. They are like business cards, and instead of my name or something printed on there, they have these kicky little phrases like "You Need A Mint" or "You Rock" or "Wanna Take This Outside?" So I decide that this boy is cute enough to warrant one, so Hannah flips through them and picks a few out and I decide to give him "Nice To Meet You." I went to the bar and asked for a pen and jotted my email down on the back, went back to the table and decided how my plan of action was going to work getting it to him.

I was saying something to Jackie when she cleared her throat and nodded and I turn and realise that he is standing there again. He held out his hand and shook mine (good firm grip, I'll admit, it was sexy). He said it was nice meeting me and he asked me my name again and I was like "Well, actually, here you go." and handed him the card. He looked down and smiled and was like "but I don't have a little card for you!" I laughed and said it was alright and said to email me and he said he would.

WHAT!? WHO DOES THAT!? I HAVE NEVER GIVEN OUT MY EMAIL IN A BAR!

So we'll see. I rather doubt that he will email me, but the little exchange was awfully good for my ego, although it is by no means lacking right now. After he left, Hannah looked at me and said "You have some serious balls to do that. I would never have the nerve to give someone a little card like that."

And normally I wouldn't have, but this on fireness is working.

Plus, I know I was really cute last night. In the picture I posted up there, you can clearly see I have lost weight, and nothing says self-esteem like realising you have lost weight. And what does self- esteem do? Attracts boys.

ON FIRE. HA!

Oh lord, I am such an f-ing psycho

2007-03-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

So tonight I have a date.

Hooray right? I should be all excited, thinking about what I am going to wear and whatnot...

NO.

NO FUCKING WAY.

I do this EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a first date or I am going to hang out with someone for the first time. I find some reason to blow them off. Sometimes it is a legitimate reason like I don't feel well, and other times it is because I just decide I hate them and the world and would rather hang out with my REAL friends or be by myself than make a new friend or lover or something.

I am not joking, I have done it every single time. With everyone.

Is it some kind of crazy initiation rite? You have to be blown off and shunned by me in order for me to like you? Robin likened it to the jewish faith, where you have to ask three times before you can be initiated or something... which is fucking retarded of me. These are NICE people who want to hang out with me and I'm like oh no no no. This won't do at all!

Last night I was feeling all good about this and like yeah! I have a date! I am teh cute! And I woke up this morning and all I can feel is a tightness in my chest and a sense of dread. For like, no reason... at least no discernable reason.

I do things like this a lot, actually. Take, for example, deciding on where to eat dinner on Sushi Mondays. I will ALWAYS say no to the first three suggestions REGARDLESS of what they are. I don't care if all I want is pizza and you suggest pizza, because I will say noooo, how about something else? But I won't offer a suggestion until much later. I mean, who fucking does that?

Is this some sort of power thing? Is it some kind of bizarre self gratification or feelings of superiority? I always feel like shit after I do it, but that doesn't stop me from doing it... EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I always then call the person and I'm like, okay let's do something on ____ and we do and it is great... it's just the first time I can't get over.

But NO! I AM GOING OUT TONIGHT AND IT WILL BE GRAND!

If I don't kill myself first. Argh.

Indeed.

2007-03-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

So I have not recieved an email from Kevin of Indiana fame.

I sent him a little chatty chat chatty email last week and Lynsy informed me that he was going to be in Chicago for the weekend. I realised that this would probably have an impact on the whole return email thing, and didn't think about it.

But sitting at work, I think about it.

It's all a rather odd situation isn't it? I mean, really, he has no obligation to email me, and I realise this. I also think I might think he is cuter than he thinks I am, and thus expecting too much from him.

I am not stupid. I am a realist! I know that is absurd to like a guy in f-ing INDIANA but he was awfully cool. Also, it doesn't help that I have Robin and Lynsy nattering in my ear to "give it a shot!" and "You have to try! He could be the ONE and you are BLOWING IT!" et. al.

So what to do? Do I send another email, even though that goes against my new found prinicples of not settling or convincing a guy to like me? I told Lynsy, I would rather be by myself than have to convince someone to be with me. I like my company just fine and I have friends that like me for me, so why would I comprimise that by berating someone into liking me. I mean, wtf. Do I wait it out? Do I write it off? Hrm.

God, men are idiots. If I didn't despise women I would so be a lesbian.

Midday Update: WTF?

2007-03-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

So I was trying to find this website that has all these exchange students from Belgium on there so I could upload some pictures onto my facebook group and at one point, I was able to just pull it up by typing in my name in google.

I tried that to no avail. I tried all combinations of my name... nothin.

So, on a whim, I typed in Nicki and my last name and clicked "images" in google and the only thing that came up was the picture of WHAM! to the left there.

My dad is a media consultant, and he had mentioned my name in one of his blogs and was talking about WHAM! for some reason and lo: that is what comes up in google.

Son of a bitch. I DARE anyone to come up with a better google photo search.

Midday Update: Free at last! Free at last! Thank GOD, I AM FREE AT LAST!

2007-03-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

Something cajunga has just happened.

Michael and I are friends again on facebook.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but to me, it is.

I wanted him to see the pictures I had posted of my new flat and I wanted to see his pictures of Capri and he sort of snarkily said "well, you don't want to see pictures of me."

And I realised that there was no need for THIS anymore. This animosity, this jealousy, this resentment. I don't feel any of it anymore and by clicking "Add To Friends" made a huge difference. It was accepting that we could in fact be friends, admitting that I am excited he is coming home from a FRIENDLY point of view and even better, knowing that all those negative feelings are GONE.

So he accepted me, and I looked through his pictures, which not all that long ago kind of made me a little apeshit (but more because that gypsy girl was wearing my hat, not because of anything with him) and I felt NOTHING. I laughed at his horrible, horrible sweaters, I enjoyed his clearly inebriated shenanigans and that was it.

I think this is all coming from my on fire-ness. However... could it be that instead of just a temporary burst of awesomness, that in fact, I am just an awesome person? Could it be that after years off bullshit and tears, I have grown up? Could it be that I am now comfortable with myself, accepting that which I cannot fix, and loving the wackiness that is me? Has it rendered me self confident, self assured and ready for action? Can it be that although I am perennially bitter... that I am not actually bitter at all?

I'm sorry, my brain totally just exploded.

Hallelujah!

Is it sad that the highlight of my weekend was that I straightened my hair?

2007-03-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

No, I kid. I of course did more this weekend than straighten my hair. Although as indicated by the nausea-inducing picture I took, it turned out incredibly well and I am exceedingly cute. Also, I forgot how cute that sweater is. My bosom looks lovely... very lovely.

But enough about my bosom and general loveliness.

I had a really good weekend, actually. I really had nothing planned, so I had a good opportunity to get some of my stuff put away and also totally slack off.

My bedroom is nearly completed, with the exception (no joke) of three garbage bags filled with laundry that requires immediate attention but will inevitably be put off until next weekend until I go to Racine, or if I can manage to drag myself to the laundromat.

I hate the laundromat though. I used to love it in college, because that was the only time I ever sat and did homework. It smells so nice... but now, any time I go, I inevitably get hit on by migrant workers. It is so bad that I went to Walmart and bought the gaudiest, largest fake diamond ring they had and subsequently wear it to fend off any interested parties.

Let me tell you something: those commercials that are usually for jeans or something where they show a sexy guy and girl romping in a laundromat are LIES. There are never sexy guys at the laundromat. There are guys who are looking for green cards, there are guys who have six children who all have sticky hands and koolaid all over their faces who are screaming and there are guys who give off a Chester Molester vibe. There are no taut, steamy men who take off their shirts and pants to give them a wash. Although, granted, I generally am not looking my sexy best... I am usually decked out in sweatpants (although not the cute ones, those are already dirty) and some tshirt (generally one of Michael's old ones that still manange to find their way into my wardrobe rotation) and I usually haven't showered. Which it makes it all the more interesting that I get hit on. Gah.

Okay, enough with the laundromat. I apparently feel very strongly about it though, hey?

So I went shopping with Jackie's kid sister and her aunt for prom dresses. She got a lovely navy satin number... total glam sex kitten. It made me a little nostalgic for my own prom and my prom dress... Sigh. I looked so cute that night... too bad I had dumped my boyfriend like two weeks before (but I am going to stop right there, because that is another diatribe I could launch into complete with self-deprecation and head smackery, and I am not in the mood for that). Regardless, Angie looks fab and I am sure she will have an awesome time.

I went out to dinner with the Merchants of Death on Friday. It was so nice to see Guy again, I haven't seen him in ages. Eric then came back over to my place for awhile.. just hanging out. I am so glad I have an apartment now where I can have guests over and not feel like I am bothering anyone or be embarassed that I live in a shitbox.

Saturday night I went out with Jackie and Megan, going to the Wicked Hop to see Meg's husband's band play. It was pretty fun. We then went to Points East to see the Uptown Savages. The Savages are a rockabilly band and fun to see in concert, but maaan. The kids who go see this show are such poseurs. (Yeah, I spelled posers like that. Because they are POSEURS). They all had cuffed pants and dramatic jewelry and it is like, come ON. You can't be an individual if you ALL look like that.

Anyways. Then Sunday Paul came over so he could pick up my two computers and monitors that I want out of my house. He hung out for a little bit, and it was nice. We haven't really hung out since December, when we went to Target and spent an hour at Starbucks taking pictures with my camera phone.

For dinner I made myself some weenie mac and gave myself food poisoning. Somehow the butter that I had went bad and fortunately I knew something was off and didn't eat much of it, but still managed to spend 20 minutes puking in despair in my bathroom.

Good luck movin' up 'cause I'm movin' out

2007-03-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

So now begins the long and arduous process of unpacking. I have no idea where I got all this crap from.

I mean, I know, sorta. I am a packrat, although reformed and doing much better, I have a tendancy to hold on to crap for sentimental reasons. Like tank tops that I wore when I was in Belgium. I will never in a million years fit into them ever again, and even if I did, they are so out of style that it is not even funny. Yet, I keep them and move them each time.

Or, take things that people have given me. They would never know if I got rid of it because I have never worn it or used it or whatever and yet, I keep it because I feel feelings would be hurt if I didn't.

I know where all the books came from though, because I have read since I can remember and being a formerly disgruntled employee of the Barne, I got lots of free advance copies of stuff, picked things up for incredibly cheap or just bought books like a fiend. The problem is, I now have no room to put any of this stuff.

Not true, I have heaps of room, I just have no shelving. I guess a trip to IKEA is again in order, once I have money.

I understand the holding on to things mentality though... I came across a bunch of stuff of Michael's (like these god awful jnco jeans with a ridiculous stripe down the side) and Jackie said I should toss them, that would serve him (because frankly, he knew the risk...) but I knew that if I were to get rid of them, he would have punched me in the face when he gets home, and then ran me over with his car.

So I threw them in a box labeled "Michael" and will proceed to hang on to his shit, although I am getting reeeally sick of looking at it.

Well, some of his stuff. The DVDs and kitchen gadgets and cat are all very well and good.

I told him about this and he said to take pictures and send them to him, and I thought the middle finger Seinfeld pic was awfully funny.

Anyways, so no internet this weekend, not that I will have a whole lot to blog. I will be getting my router and all that on Monday I guess, so that's good. I have to get back on the internet at home... I am missing out on waaay too much porn.

Just kidding. Sorta.

See you Monday!

I think he just wanted to get out of paying rent.

2007-03-21T09:37:00.000-05:00

So the reason that I haven't updated this since I swore I was going to, is because my entire life has been turned upside down this past week. If you would have asked me two weeks ago what I would be doing, my response would not have been this.

Remember how I had the building inspector coming? Yeah, turns out that he deemed my apartment "unsuitable for human habitation" and "evacuated us. We had until Tuesday to move out. This was on Friday.

(insert insane, maniacal laughter here)

So I talked to my parents and my dad (my glorious, wonderful father) had me just get movers set up to move my stuff so I wouldn't have to do it all by myself and with my strong friends (although Jackie and Eric did totally help out, which makes them near deities in my book [and Robin, I will mention, has helped me move every single other time, so she definitely deserves recognition, although she was not physically here this time])

On Monday night, I got the keys and did a load with Eric, and then Tuesday moved the rest of my stuff. I love LOVE my new apartment. It is an amazing step forward. It is spacious and clean and quiet.... wonderful. My kitty cat is all happy and I am happy and although I am exhausted, I am excited to go back home after work and unpack more. The picture to this blog is of my kitchen table in my new apartment... it looks so rustic italian... I don't know how that happened. It makes me want to drink Chianti (which I have) and eat pasta (which I have) with good friends (which I have) and listen to Dean Martin's Volare (which I also have... apparently I need to have a dinner party, hrm?)

Also, this weekend was St Patricks, which as you all know is my favorite of holidays. I usually end up drunk off my ass making out with someone (or has been the case, more than one person. Ha!) . This year however, my exboyfriend Joe was in town for the weekend and we spent the evening together.

It was really good seeing him. I haven't seen him for about two years I think and it was nice being able to catch up. He lives in San Francisco now as a litigation lawyer. We went out to dinner at Coquette Cafe which is delightful french cuisine (I had Coq Au Vin, and pinot noir, in case you were wondering) and then we went back to my place and played Bethumped (which is a board game about linguistics... it was very fun).

What else is going on...

I think that is it. I have sort of been doing this little email dance with Kevin (one of the guys from Indianapolis, the one I incidentally have a crushy crush on) and so that is kind of fun. It's crap though that we are in different cities (okay, different states too) because it is hard to kick the charm up to 11 (although, there really is no such thing as Nicki less than 11, I will say again) but you know... I am just so damn cute in person and it's hard to convey cuteness via email.

Although I think I do a good job of it on here, so I don't know what my issue is.

So there was just a 30 minute delay between this sentance and the last because I was on the phone with stupid ATT for my high speed home interneting (because I don't get enough of it here [side note: I have been here for almost three hours and haven't really even looked at my work.]) and I had to give Pat her break and as I was walking away she goes "Are you losing weight?" and I said, "Well, I don't know, am I?" She said "Yeah, you are looking thinner."

I guess the lenten sacrifices are paying off. And the fucking pilates.

ON FIRE!!

Holy crap, I am not allowed to not update ever again

2007-03-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

This post is a doozy. Be prepared!

Okay! Do I have some things to say or what?! I don't even know where to begin really...

I guess I should back things up to last week Friday. Robin and I had been talking (well, I mean, we talk like every day, but whatever) and after some miscommunication concerning dates, at 7.30 am on Friday as I was driving to work, I decided to be exciting and drive down to see her in Indianapolis. I called my dad and he was willing to let me use the car (and the I-PASS, woo!) so after work I floored it over to my apartment, threw a bunch of shit into a bag then floored it down to Racine to pick up the car. I knew I was reeeeally pushing it with time, because I got out of work at 1, but if I didn't get moving, I was going to hit rush hour Friday Chicago traffic dead on.

And I did.

But it was really okay, because I had my cds and I was in an outstanding mood. Okay, so yes, it took me like 2.5 hours to get through Chicago, but it gave me some time to think. In fact, the drive to Indy (which is a straight shot, at like 80mph... it's a little boring) gave me ample opportunity for some thinking.

Which I have been doing a lot of, actually. I am getting awfully introspective in my old age. Anyways.

So I get to Indy and practically leap out of the car (5.5 hours will do that to a person) and was introduced to Rob, Robin's... gentleman caller (I don't know what to consider him... he isn't her boyfriend, but they aren't not dating... whatevs) we played a hearty few rounds of Guitar Hero (which I am considerably sick of now, but that's okay) and just sat around and caught up.

Saturday, Robin took me into Indy and showed me the sights. We went to her work and I saw her lair, and she showed me the numerous war momuments. We went to this mall and I bought a necklace at Nordstrom's for $10 (I know! At Nordy's?! WTF!?). We found some girl scouts and bought some cookies, ate a little lunch... plus it was totally beautiful out. It was a realy nice day hanging out with Robin, I miss her when she is not around, and it was fun just hanging out.

We went back to her place to chillax before our sortie at night. Her friend Shelby came over as we (well, okay I) was getting ready... he was a nice guy.. a little drunk, but nice. We then went over to this Scottish bar/pub to meet up with her friends...

And then the glory that is my life presented itself.

I know I am a charming person. I know I am bizarrely endearing. I know that I am a massive flirt. But lo: that night I was everything I could have been and more. It was like I was the quintessential Nicki, the Nicki that I have always strived to be. I was on fire.

Everything I said was golden. Everything I did was calculated for maximum effect. I had smartly positioned myself between Robin's two male friends (Matt and Kevin) and by the end of the night I had them both eating out of my hand. I was by no means being slutty, I wasn't using my sexual perspicacity.. oh no. I was just using my ingenious sense of humor, a couple of well placed hand-on-the-shoulder-while-laughings, and my total fucking adorablenessocity. Plus, it totally didn't hurt that my hair is at a really good length to pull of the bed head, which seasoned veterans of my blog will remember ALWAYS gets me attention from the boys (because I sort of look like I am about to jump into bed with someone or just came from bed with someone and this only magnifies it... it's a super good technique ladies!!). So needless to say I have a crush on both of them and I am going back to Indy ASAP.

ON FIRE.

We went to a few totally dive bars but it was a lot of fun. Everything that I write here cannot stress the awesomeness of myself (good god that is arrogant) that night. I wish I could describe it better. Both guys were like "hey are you on myspace or facebook!?" which as you know is like the social precursor to "Can I have your phone number?" which I know for a FACT that I would have gotten/given out had it not been for the fact that I live in WI.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

So on Sunday, we slept in then got brekkie (because that is just what you do on Sunday, is go to brekkie) and then I started the long drive back. Fortunately, I was able to gun it a little and got back in 4 hours, which was nice. I had a looooooong talk with Michael and it was really nice. He is coming home fairly soon, which is weird to think about. I am so used to him being gone and just sort of being this intangible... something. I don't know. We have been having really good conversations lately and I think we are almost to the point of friends? Hrm. We were teasing each other and it was just sweet. I told him that he was dating a burly Teutonic woman, which the mere phrasing of still cracks me up.

I then went over to Jackie's to see her kid sister's prom dress and hung out for a little bit. It was all very uneventful.

So then, on Monday the Fire trend continued... the landlord told Eric that there was not going to be a rent discount because of the problems last month with the water and electricity and heat (and even better, it was OUR fault because the apt downstairs left the back door open... ummm?) so because I am a carpe diem kind of person and basically I am getting really tired of being jerked around by these ass clowns, I sent an email to my district alderman and then on Tuesday called the Dept of Neighborhood Housing and threw down the gauntlet.

So now there is a complaint filed against the property (in addition to the ones already on there) and the Building Inspector just called and so they are going to get over there.

You wanna fucking play with me, asshole? We can play.

When all of this went down though, I called my parents and I was like, I CANNOT do this anymore. I am not signing the lease (which is up at the end of the month) and I got their blessing to move out (not that it is up to them, but its always nice).

So I started looking on Craigslist (godsend) and called a guy about a place, you know, just for shits and giggles...

And oh my god... it was the cutest fucking place I have ever seen. It is 550 a month but includes electricity. One bedroom, off street parking, porch and it is completely remodeled. It is in West Allis (which I have maintained that I despise since I have moved to Milwaukee) but I LOVE the area. It is close to everything, there are little restaurants, it is close to the Farmer's Market, easy freeway access... not to mention that it is HUGE. And sunny!

So I put in my application and was like "yeah, okay, credit check... nice to meet you, I'll be leaving..." and yesterday...

He called and approved me. Wha!?

ON FIRE.

I should really get back to work now, as this has taken me over an hour to write...

But damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Meri Winkle- March 6, 2007

2007-03-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

So I was going to bitch about how Eric and I had a snafu with Sushi Monday yesterday and how I ended up driving all the way into Hales Corners and sitting by myself like a complete wonk waiting for him and how he was actually sitting at another restaurant a mile up the road and how I didn't have my cell phone so I had to drive all the way home...

But I just got an email from my aunt. My cousin's (well, second cousin... my dad's cousin) wife just passed away from ovarian cancer. She was 38. They have two kids, 15 and 10. The ironic bit is that my cousin is a OB/GYN... yeesh.

It's pretty sad. She was a really strong, peaceful woman.

I have no idea how you deal with the loss of a spouse like that... especially one who was still fairly young. I emailed my cousin and told him how sorry I was and you know if there is anything I can do, blah blah blah... and he responded "Thanks." Just thanks. So much emotion and heartache in just one word.

Cancer is a real fucking bitch, to put it mildly. My grandmother died from colon cancer... Robin's dad died from pancreatic cancer... Eric's brother died from leukemia... now Meri and I am not out of the woods yet with my whole cervical business... christ. Cancer is so indiscriminate, and that is the scariest part about it. I mean, look at that. People ranging from 70-17 and that is just people I know!

I guess it really puts perspective on things. I could sit here and bitch about not meeting up with my friend, or not having a date on Friday, or unrequited love or the fact that I still have the mysterious hickey type thing, but then someone dies and you realise that it is all utter and complete bullshit. Everything is.

Or maybe it's not. Because everything I am doing is dealing with love and life and if you don't have people that love you and you love, what do you have?

RIP Meri Winkle... may you keep on smiling wherever you are.

fuck you, Dave Matthews

2007-03-05T21:19:00.000-06:00

So it is no secret that I pretty much despise Dave Matthews. Yes, there are a few songs that I like, but I just hate the whole princple behind jam bands (yes, the Dead are counted in there) and the like (watch out there, prog rock, you are pushing it). I guess I don't like too much creativity in concerts, because I like knowing that the show they saw in Philly was more or less then same as the one I saw in Milwaukee. I just hate how these bands do everything different at each show, the getting a bazillion dollars in sales from all the different "Live From" albums.

With that said, man! I LOVE the song Two Step. I always have.

I started adding songs to my standalone player on my myspace (which, by the way, is a major inconvenience to people not using it but storing music online but is seriously like, the cooolest fucking thing I have seen for myspace, like ever and I was reeeeally tempted to add it to this page, but I withheld, you're welcome) and as that was playing, I took a long hard listen to Two Step....

and I realised what my problem is.

Well, okay, I have major problems. I know this. I know they are also too many to list here. So maybe I should have said: I know what one of my love problems is.

I want to have some guy feel for me the way good ol' Dave does in that song. I want someone to say that I drive them to distraction. I want someone to celebrate life with me, for christ's sake. I am so sick of the feeling I get that I badger people into dating me. I mean, Michael always sort of gave me that impression, that I had to convince him to date me (or maybe plead is a better word). I could list another three and that's just recently! I know I am a tough cookie, and I know I am very outgoing, very take charge, very smart and that is a LOT to handle. But seriously? It's not that bad. I guess I need to find a guy who can take the kid gloves off with me and let go.

And so, the lyrics (even though any time I do anything with lyrics I think of stupid Brad Johnson and him telling me that he thinks lyrics are dumb and hold no meaning. And yes, I know he's reading this):

Say, my love, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we
Might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this?
Our flesh and blood it ties
You and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like
Wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
Quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
The things we cannot

Celebrate, you and me, climbing
Two by two, to be sure
These days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change...

Oh man. That is good right there (said, picturing Patty and Selma Bouvier, smoking, watching MacGyver.)

And maybe I need to lay of the contra for a little bit. This getting high and then writing deep shit is getting to be really far out, man. (wink!)

Midday Update: Not possible

2007-03-05T13:50:00.000-06:00

So it looks like I have a hickey on my neck.

This was not here yesterday and I certainly haven't been cavorting with someone here at work, so I don't know what is going on.

Yes, I have been in the position (hahahahahaha, sparkling word play) to be the recipient of a hickey, but I didn't get one then (although I did get a mysterious sort of bruise on my arm) and I'm sorry, you don't screw around and then a few days later one mysteriously appears.

It is all red and angry! I think maybe it is a nasty scratch or something, but how did I get it? And why is it on my neck?

It doesn't hurt or anything, but it is getting irritated because I keep fucking with it. I keep walking past the mirror to observe it and it is driving me insane.

It is totally leprosy. Son of a bitch.

We gotta get out while we're young...

2007-03-05T10:00:00.000-06:00

So somewhere along the way last week I reverted back to high school Nicki. I guess it was Thursday, hanging out with Clobes at his parent's house, but it certainly didn't stop this weekend.

I was supposed to have an actual, real date (as opposed to hanging out with my roommate, my best friend's boyfriend or some engaged guy) with the Cuteness on Friday. I hadn't heard from him in a few days so I emailed him and was like, yeah! Hey! Are we doing something? And he emails me back and said "Oh yeah, Friday is looking not so good... I have to shovel."

You have to shovel? All night? On a Friday? It didn't even snow!

So I am not dumb to sit around waiting for this guy, I can take a hint. I am getting a little too old for this shit, you know? Is it so bad to want a guy who is not a drama queen or who plays little games? Take for example Michael D. who I was practically throwing myself at and he liked to play hard to get. HARD TO GET?! Dude, come on. You haven't had sex in three years, no girl is even remotely interested and you want me to work for it? Christ. And what about the Cuteness? Seriously? If you aren't interested, that is fine! Let's all just be honest and open and get on with our lives already.

So instead of going out to get the taste of Thursday out of my mouth, I sat at home smoking and writing poetry, because apparently I am now an ARTISTE. But, really, I had a really good night, I could relax and get a little perspective on things. I was completely exhausted anyways, so it really all kind of worked out for the best.

Saturday was so lazy, it felt WONDERFUL. I just padded around the house randomly, watched a bunch of Arrested Development and waited to go out. That night was Food for Thought in Racine, where you donate some food and buy a ticket and all the bars have bands and you basically bar hop.

Jackie came and picked me up, calling me when she got there, telling me to grab a bottle of something. I had a bottle of Captain left over from Thanksgiving (and I couldn't figure out how to make Pink Squirrels portable) so I grabbed it and dashed out to the car.

We made a quick stop at the porn store so I could buy a bowl (I was getting tired of using my roommates) and then went and parked around the corner from the Eagles, where we were going to meet up with everyone. So we sat there, in her mini cooper, listening to JayZ as I lit up and she started taking pulls from the bottle (she would have toked up as well, but she thinks she might have to do a U.A for this new job she got). I was having serious problems with my pot so I then started drinking too.

We met up with Eric, Hannah, Martha, Martha's friend Jenny, Hannah's friend Amanda and Joe. Now, I don't especially like Joe, I think he is kind of obnoxious in sort of a grating way and he is exceedingly loud... all the time. I am much more of a subtle snide comment kind of person and he is a Hawaiian print shirted clown. But, he was alright that night and kept giving me hugs, so I can't dislike him that much, as he clearly has awesome taste (hahahahahaha).

We were at the Eagles for awhile and then went over to Coasters. We saw I think three bands but really, the most amusing thing was watching Jackie's slow descent into drunkenness. I was buzzed, don't get me wrong, but I was more high than anything, and at one point someone bought me a bottle of Smirnoff Black or the like and she kept drinking gin or some other clear liquid of death.

So after she harangued some guy into giving her free hot dogs, I piled her back into the mini and drove her home. It was nice to be able to take care of her a little bit, even though she wasn't knocking on death's door like I have a tendency to, because she has driven my drunk ass home like 70 times and I owed it to her.

Sunday I went out to brekkie with Mandy, because if I am in Racine on a Sunday, then I will be eating a goddamn skillet, let me tell you. We then went to Best Buy and I picked up a Weakerthans cd (because it is my life in musical form) and a Rob Zombie cd, because it was cheap and I have a quiet penchant for Dragula.

Went back to Milwaukee and went back to padding around my apartment, contemplating things. Smoked a little more pot, listened to a little more music and fell asleep reading.

I am going to Detroit in two weeks and I think the change will do me some good. I think I got way in over my head here recently and I have to let things go with a little sad honesty versus trying to fix the un-fixable.

Because tramps like us? Baby we were born to run.

Howl of the unappreciated

2007-03-02T21:48:00.000-06:00

So I am so stressed out and being so hard on myself, thatI have taken up writing poetry again.

I haven't written a poem since high school. I was okay, I think, for a high school kid. Thanks to the ol' perspicacity, I managed to write about more than love, lost love and killing myself unlike my contemporaries but then I kind of put it down.

But then things kinda derailed a little bit the other day and I was forced to take a long hard look at myself. With that kind of introspection, I think I unlocked the little box of poetry because I just started writing.

It wasn't all that bad. I was kind of surprised.

It also probably helped that I got high while doing all this.

The damage is done so I guess I'll be leaving

2007-03-02T10:34:00.000-06:00

Self inflicted censorship:

I can't talk about what happened last night. I can't talk about this.

I can't believe myself sometimes.

Too much was said.

All I can think of is the Talking Heads' song Once In A Lifetime:

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I just secured a place in hell, that is for damn sure.

Once in a lifetime....

I have absolutely no idea what is going on.

2007-03-01T09:20:00.000-06:00

Oh my yesterday was an interesting day.

Basically, without getting too much into it (tomorrows posting will be way more in depth, depending on the outcome of tonight) I received a series of emails that made me react so violently, I actually had a legitimate panic attack.

Kiki is not a panic attack type person. Kiki is not known to freak out about anything, let alone have a legitimate panic attack. The last time I did was when I was still living with the gay boys in Shorewood, Michael was leaving and I just snapped. I remember being in the stairwell just shaking, with my teeth chattering (that is a big sign right there) and Michael pretty much had to drag me up the stairs, as I pretty much was not acting on my own volition. Yesterday was not nearly as bad, but it did result in the same endorphin rush, the nausea, the frantic, panicked feeling, the feeling where everything as you know it is completely out of your control (and as a bit of a control freak, this does not bode well).

I do not want to go into all the grisly details, until after tonight (but anyone with at least a passing interest in my blog knows something is up and can easily figure out what I am doing that is so secretive).

I was so sketched out, that when I met up with my little work pally, Amy at Boston Store I pretty much attacked her and babbled for about 20 minutes getting everything off my chest while standing in the Junior's department. Robin and Jackie also received phone calls, both of which lasted into the 40 minute range.

DRA-MA!

Fortunately, a little retail therapy never hurt anyone, and I snagged a really kicky little jacket and a few tank tops from H&M. The jacket says "I am delightfully kicky, but I mean business." and I think I will be wearing it tomorrow night on my date with the Cuteness.

Last night was Tom And Nicki Date Night (Tom being my beat poet roommate) and originally we were going to go out for drinks or something. It started snowing and I needed to dye my hair (the burnt orange look was starting to creep back in) so we stayed in and with Troy (the new roommate) we smoked about six bowls and talked about religion.

Oh man, I don't think I have ever been that high. It was totally what I needed though, as I was still completely skitched out from earlier. I also during this time had my little chats with Robin and Jackie and Robin informed me that I sounded completely sober, although considerably less chatty.

I slept so well, although not without tossing and turning for a bit before I finally fell asleep. My mind was(is) still racing with questions and issues.

And even though this is a delicate and awful situation that I am getting myself into, I can't help but be totally turned on by it. Scandal and intrigue flock to me like flies to the bug zapper. It is all sort of romantic and flattering and... and.... and...

I have said too much.

Midday Update: The way things are goin' I don't know!

2007-02-28T08:50:00.000-06:00

So at work we bring in our cds or whatever because we are all sick of the radio and the incessant yammering of commercials.

Me, being a former disgruntled Barnes and Noble employee, bring in pretty much anything that was ever in instore play that I got for free because I know it is appropriate and can be pretty much ignored (except the Greek Favorites cd which Danni gave me as a very poor joke... I hate the goddamn bouzouki). I have also brought in things like Sondre Lerche, Wilco, Paul Simon.. that sort of thing. Comfortable, safe music.

So imagine my surprise when doing my daily hour and a half of wasting time on the internets I hear from the stereo the opening licks to "Gangsta's Paradise" by the one and only Coolio.

I pretty much fell out of my chair laughing.

Cindy, being Cindy, had taken the Dangerous Minds soundtrack from her daughter's room (who is a year or two younger than me) and thinking "I liked the movie, I will certainly like the soundtrack!"

We made it through two and a half songs and about three"niggas" before she finally turned it off. It is really a shame that a nun didn't come in. That pretty much would have made my life.

Because I walk through the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left. Cause I've been blastin and laughing so long that even my mama thinks that my mind is gone. But I ain't never crossed a man that didn't deserve it. He be treated like a punk, you know that's unheard of. You better watch how you talking, and where you walking or you and your homies might be lined in chalk.

Bwahahahahahahahaha. Golden.

I hope my skin is as taut as her thighs.

2007-02-26T21:35:00.000-06:00

So there is this catalog called the "Naier Catalog" that we get at MMC. Basically what it is, is all these companies have overstock send it to this catalog and they then have non-profit organisations (::cough catholic schools cough::) order whatever they want.

The first time I ordered, I got a bunch of tissue paper and a gross of zippers.... not exactly knowing how the system worked. The next time around I got some really nice velvet flocked hangers, some tissue paper and 1200 tea light candles (none of which I have used yet).

But THIS time, I was ready for action. I ordered nothing but Denise Austin skin care stuff. And when my stuff came today, I was THRILLED. I got face cleanser, night repair cream, eye cream and lotion. I have a routine now! A ROUTINE! (Granted, I am only one night into it, but my skin is incredibly soft with rich green tea antioxidants!)

So we'll see. Hopefully I can stave off wrinkles and skin damage for a few more years... even though by the time I have wrinkles there will be breakthrough cosmetic surgery and I won't have to worry about it.

In other news, this is the week of psuedo-dates. Every night this week I have plans with a different boy. Muahahahahahahahaha. Tonight of course was Sushi Monday with Eric, tomorrow I am going for beers with Troy, my roommate, Wednesday I am going out for drinks with Tom, my other roommate, Thursday I am doing something with Mike Clobes (which I will revisit momentarily) and Friday? An actual, legitimate date with The Cuteness.

So Clobes and I are going to "hang out" whatever means. He messaged me out of the blue asking me what I was doing on Thursday. He is doing something with Horlick's band that night (I think he is the guest performer or something) and he said that he wants to catch up.

Catch up?

I haven't talked to him in like, four years. I haven't seen him in five. He is engaged so I know it is not going to end up with us in the backseat of his car making out like we are in high school, but I can't help but wonder if he has ulterior motives. I can't figure out what those motives may be. I just don't know why out of all the people in the Racine area, he wants to hang out with me. I am seriously uncool.

And the legitimate date with The Cuteness? Turns out he likes Fish Fry as much as I do. We have a lot in common. I am sooooo excited. I can't wait!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

It must be thanks to my taut skin.

I gotta feelin' you're fooooolin'! I gotta feelin' you're havin' fun! Fit as a fiddle and ready for love!

2007-02-25T20:22:00.000-06:00

So there is sort of a running joke with this group of friends that I hang out with that I have sort of made my rounds with all of them. This is not to say that I have hooked up with them all, but more that I have hooked up with a few of them and the rest of them have all liked me at one point or another or currently.

Another member, an auxillary member who usually is not out when I am, who granted, was drunk (or maybe he wasn't I am not entirely sure) made his intentions clear at the St Valentine's Day Massacre party.

This party was actually a pretty good idea. I went with Jackie and Eric. We were all dolled up in our 1920s best. I had borrowed Jackie's dress of course and I found my great grandmother's fur stole in the attic, I wore a pair of the new shoes I bought, curled my hair up tight and wore a kicky little hat I bought the last time I was in Michigan. Jackie looked like Zelda Fitzgerald in a headband and pencil skirt and Eric wore a button down with a vest. Maybe it was the cuteness that called this boy to me, maybe it was the fact that I was clearly the only single girl there. Regardless, I could not shake this guy. He kinda kept following me around and I had to get Eric to act as a shield. At one point, they had to pull a celebrity style move, distracting him as I moved behind Eric, ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom until Jackie and Eric had come upstairs and then they sandwiched me on a couch until he left.

I don't know what it is with these kids! I am like SUGAR to them!

Robin was also in town this weekend, so I got to spend some quality time with her. I went shopping with her to buy hockey gear (she's on a team) and then we played like four hours of Guitar Hero. Her sisters were also around as well as Tom, her brother in law. He took to calling me Baroness Kiki Von Contraband, which I think might be a good nom de plume.

Now would be as good as time as ever to talk about my job intervista(s). I went and interviewed with a company that does translation work for business. They were looking for an assistant project manager and after three interviews, they offered me the position on Thursday.

On Friday, I turned it down.

It was substantially more money, and it is in my "field" but after some serious consideration, I realised that I really really like my job at MMC. I like the people I work with, I like the job that I do, I like the fact that I can dick around on the internet pretty much all day. I am making fine money (yes, more money would have been nice, I won't lie) but I just wasn't ready to make the move.

They then counter offered with paying half of my cobra until their insurance kicks in and another two grand.

But money can't buy you happiness kids, remember that.

The thing that made my decision for me was when I had gotten into work at MMC, sitting in my officette. I was looking down at my lap and I thought "how would you feel if you were sitting in the new office?" and I realised that the new place was like ::crickets:: It was so quiet in there. And then I realised I was looking down at my lap and I was wearing jeans and a pair of kicks listening to AC/DC on the radio... and I was HAPPY.

And not many people can say they are happy about where they work or what they do.

MMC provides a lot of opportunity for me and I am very happy with my decision.

It was also great for my ego... job offer, kicky little date... yeah I am doing quite okay for myself.

Let's see what tomorrow brings us.

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows...

2007-02-22T20:25:00.000-06:00

Oh, what a difference a day makes.

So I went to Boston Store because I have some left over money from a gift certificate that my dad gave me for Chrissy and I just happened to stroll through the shoe department. I generally hate department stores, I really hate malls and I LOATHE shoe shopping, so the fact that I did any of this is surprising.

What is even more surprising is that I got three pairs of super sexy heels for 70% off. I would go into the details, but let me just say that these are some hella cute shoes. In fact, so cute that I went BACK today and bought four pairs for Jackie and the total was like, 25 bucks. SCORE.

So yeah, last night I went out for drinks... with a boy! And let me introduce you to the Cuteness. I can't even tell how GOOD it felt to be with someone, that not only thinks I am funny, but made me feel like I am attractive and a good time. You know, there was a guy for awhile that I was kind of seeing but it was so easy to get involved with him because we had known each other for a long time, it was the first time that we were both single, yadda yadda yadda. It was kind of a relationship of convenience than anything (not to say it wasn't fun or that I TOTALLY needed it, cause I did). But last night was something fresh and exciting.

The pleated khaki guy... yeah, I knew that wasn't going anywhere. That was just a "what the hell, live a little" sort of situation. Last night though, we sat at this dank little bar in Shorewood and LAUGHED for about two hours. For some ungodly reason Cuteness seemed to think I was okay because this morning he asked me out for drinks again.

(thanks for the pic, Mel) OMG OMG OMG. Squee, indeed. Honestly, if nothing comes from this, I am fine. It is such a huge burst to my ego and self-esteem. But really? EEEEEEEEE! He is TEH CUTENESS. It has been a looooong time since I laughed so much. And not like, goofy humor either, but smart, sarcastic humor. He said the kind of things that I would have said. He called me out when I said something stupid, and likewise I was totally busting his balls.

IT WAS OUTSTANDING.

And he is CUTE. He's half Korean, so you know, it totally fufills my psuedo-foreign fetish I have. He's tall and skinny and he has a big nose.

MERCY.

So yeah, I am going to make damn sure we do something next week. This weekend is too busy because my homegirl Robin is coming home and you know, as she is my hetero life partner, I have to make time for her. Of course we are going to go shopping for hockey gear, so we are going to look like major lesbos, what else is new.

There is also the St. Valentine's Day Massacre party this weekend that I am totally jazzed for.

PLUS, it was totally warm enough today for me to have the maiden voyage of the red peep toe shoes I bought a few months ago but it has been too cold to wear.

Oh man. I am in SUCH a good mood.

EEEEEEEEE! I love you all!!

Midday Update: I SO called it.

2007-02-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so Michael just texted me. It was my hat the gypsy was wearing. He also apologized.

Guys just don't get things like this. Robin and I were talking and she said it would drive her insane to see her exes wearing something of hers. Mandy said it would piss her off too.

I honestly don't think he meant anything by it. I know it wasn't vindictive and I know she probably just saw it and was like, hey cute, let me wear it? I am POSITIVE the first thought in Michael's head wasn't "Oh, well that is Nicki's, and she is going to cut me if I let you borrow it." or even "Ooh, that is Nicki's... she is going to go BALLISTIC if she sees you in it! Let me take your picture!"

Whatever. It really is okay.

(I don't think I want to wear that hat again though. ) (Stupid horse face gypsy girl ruining my cute hat) (ps, Mandy said she turned off a music video because the singer looked like a donkey which reminded her of the gypsy which angered her) (lol) (I am really in a good mood, I have to post later.)

Only the penitent man will pass. The penitent man is humble, kneels before God. KNEELS!!

2007-02-21T08:38:00.000-06:00

So Lent is upon us. Every year I generally get pretty jazzed about it, even though I am not Catholic and not even that good of a person. There is something rather satisfying about denying myself something. Does it bring me closer to God? Probably not. Does it reaffirm that I have some sort of will power? Yes it does.

Last year, Michael and I gave up cheese, which was the singularly hardest thing ever. I don't remember the outcome of it, but I am pretty sure that I failed. Cheese is like, my LIFE. I remember it spiraling into this insane vegan sort of diet and that was never the intention. A few years before that, I gave up meat and that worked so well that I developed a sort of allergy/sensitvity to certain types/cuts of beef so that now, I can pretty much only have ground beef and a little bit of roast... anything else makes me sick to my stomach.

So what to give up this year? I was thinking about the cheese thing, but I went to the grocery store a few days ago (which is bizarre for me to begin with) and I just bought lunch meats and cheeses and I am too poor/cheap to let that go to waste. So cheese is out. I find myself drinking a lot of soda at work, which is odd because I don't even really LIKE soda, so I think that is the first thing to go. Also, I think I am going to give up candy, even though I don't LIKE candy, I find myself eating a lot of it at work because it is always AROUND.

I think I am also going to try and make sure I get some sort of exercise everyday. I have been doing pretty well with that, walking 1-3 miles every few days, doing pilates and hitting the gym, but then I will go for a stretch of doing nothing, which I think is detrimental to the whole process (case in point, this weekend, where I barely got out of bed, let alone exercised).

That's a good start I think. I am feeling WAY better than I did this weekend. I went over to Jackie's house last night because I was tired of sitting around my house feeling sorry for myself. Granted, we didn't do anything but watch some American Idol and ate ice cream, but what else do you do with friends? She is letting me borrow her kicky flapper dress for the St. Valentine's Day Massacre Party this weekend (it's sort of ironic that I am wearing it, this is the dress I puked all over on Halloween 4 years ago... while Jackie was wearing it) so I think I will be mighty cute. This is a good excuse to wear my vintage mink stole that was my Great Grandmother's... I don't often have a reason to wear fur (not that I am some "Fur is Murder" PETA nazi, I just don't class it up to that degree).

So carpe diem, I suppose. Enough wallowing.

PS- To whomever is reading my blog from Virginia, who are you!? You check it like, ALL the time and I am not sure I even know anyone in Virginia. So message me or comment and let me know who you are... because I am flattered and you clearly have excellent taste.

Midday Update: Fuck you, Capricorn

2007-02-20T14:00:00.000-06:00

My horoscope today.

This can be an unsettling time for you Goats as you face a conflict between your head and your heart. Since you probably won't resolve your dilemma today, you might as well take the pressure off yourself by detaching from what others might be thinking about you. Instead, cultivate your spirit from the inside out. Even if you want to be social, make time to also be by yourself so you can withdraw into your own comfort zone.

Fuck you, google horoscope.

suicide is painless

2007-02-20T13:10:00.000-06:00

So another one bites the dust. I just found out that a friend is engaged. I am so happy for him, I think he is a great guy and she is an awesome girl, but at the same time.... son of a bitch! I can't help but think about a year ago when that was something that I was consciously thinking about. The reason for the Suicide title, is because every time I think about another set of friends getting married, I think of my parents, and how my dad the joker had the theme from MASH played at the wedding... you know, how getting married is taking the plunge or whatever. My dad has a sick sense of humor, I realise.

There are a lot of things that have put me into a bit of a funk. Funk might not be the word, but more wallowing depression of self-loathing and melancholy.

I brought it on myself, I don't blame any one for that. I had taken the proper precautions to not feel like this, so what do I do? At the first opportunity, I go and fuck it up and go against what every fibre in my body is telling me not to do. It is so annoying. And I WISH I could not be as self-acutalised and blame someone else, but alas.

I guess let this be a lesson to me.

The thing that really honks my horn is not the fact that Michael has a new girlfriend or whatever. In fact, I am happy for him (which trust me, has taken a LOT for me to admit to myself). I think he if can find someone to put up with him, then all the better for him. I think it is sort of defeating the puropse of his whole "discovering who I am" and "learning to stand on my own" sort of thing, but that is none of my business. It is none of my concern and doesn't involve me, so I will keep my opinion to myself. He is an adult and can make up his own mind and his own decisions, so good for him.

But.

When I STUPIDLY looked at his facebook profile, I saw something that sent me into such a blind rage that it can only be described as a conniption. It was like someone had prision shived me in the stomach and all my blood had rushed to the floor.

The mother fucking gypsy was wearing my hat.

MY HAT. Of ALLLLL the fucking people for him to lend MY HAT to, he had to give it to her.

I know it sounds insane. I am getting better with it. I mean, it's not like I gave him that stuff and was like "oh, but don't let anyone else touch it!!" for all intensive purposes, that stuff is his. And, again, I can't be that mad about it, but jesus christ! Maybe if there wasn't photographic proof of it! (Serenity now, Keeks... deep breath...) (It's just a hat, it's just a hat....) (sigh) (who knows, it might not even BE my hat. maybe I am just jumping to conclusions)

This is why I took him off of my facebook. Nevermind.

So anyways, I got pretty depressed afterwards. I blew off all of my friends and bought a new Simpson's DVD set and went to bed at 9pm. I ate popcorn and talked to my cat, and basically walked around in a daze, trying in vain to shake myself of the feeling of inadequacy that prevailed the entire weekend.

Upside though, I went to Ikea with Jeni and Missie and had a pretty good time. I bought a new duvet cover which served it's purpose as I burrowed beneath it until Monday.

I know I should knock it off. I know that things aren't that bad. In fact, I know things are really really good. I like someone else! I think he likes me, or at least is CURIOUS, and that's awesome! I shouldn't even be thinking about Michael!

Sometimes it just feels good to pout.

Midday Update: Insert lyrics to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" HERE

2007-02-15T11:01:00.000-06:00

Redaction:

Michael just brought something to my attention. Last year on Valentine's Day, I didn't have sex either. There was a rather disturbing situation that arose thanks to his temper and I ended up in tears. To which he replied a little snarkily "as per usual" and I don't know what that is supposed to mean. I'm sorry if I am SENSITIVE.

[Editor's note: this is not a reflection on his character, nor does it have any bearing on how I perceive him or how others should see him. He is a good guy and well-intentioned, although totally a horse's ass.]

I guess I had tried to forget about it and put it out of my mind (ahhh, sweet denial, you taste so good). I don't know why he felt like he wanted to bring it up, but he did and I can't just sit here and not fess up.

So, yeah. I guess my streak was rather crap.

I guess I could just start a new one next year.

Mental note: start looking for a boyfriend. NOW.

sigh. Cheers.

Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.

2007-02-15T09:33:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was the end of an era.

It was Valentine's Day, in case you were unaware. Many moons ago when I opted out of the V-Club, it was on Valentine's Day, and ever since, I have celebrated the fact by doin' it.

Last night, I did not get any action.

And I came to terms with myself in the moment I realised that my reign of terror was over. I had a good run of it, but really? What is it than just a stupid statistic? Yes, okay, I love statistics more than life itself. Yes, I have a written tally of anyone I have ever smooched. Yes, I was proud to be able to uphold a tradition, as bizarre a tradition as it was, but damnit, it was MY tradition!

Friends have pointed out that had I been with Michael, I would have been alone on Valentine's Day ANYWAYS, as he is still in Italy and I would have gone to visit him already. An excellent point, I concede, but the thing to remember I guess, would be that I wouldn't have been ALONE per se, it just wouldn't have been possible to be with him. I digress.

I wasn't alone though.... no Chef Lonelyheart's Dinner for One for me? (Although, admittedly, the parallels between me and Edna K are getting scarier and scarier the older I get). I called up my very favorite Hannah and we went out to dinner. We went to Twisted Fork, and were lucky enough to get a table. Looking around though, we realised that we kinda looked like a couple, and I think compensated for that by spending the entire time talking about boys, their mamas and the girls that hate us (or, more specifically, me... because everyone likes Hannah).

It was good to go out with her, I haven't hung out with her in ages, and it was nice to catch up. She provided some incredibly refreshing insight to my dilemmas (okay, not so much dilemmas as dra-ma). She made me realise that I am making some really healthy, pro-active choices in my life and that is GOOD, regardless of how hard it is to do.

We talked a lot about Michael and I occurred to me how much I have changed since he left. Not even because of the whole breaking up thing (which did a serious number on my pride and self-confidence, I won't lie) but in a weird way, it was a really really good thing for me. I am still the same ol' wacky potato Nicki, but I have learned a lot about myself- my coping techniques, my denial, how much I value relationships, my dedication, my self-sacrificing, my sense of justice, ny sense of honor and my own self-worth. I am not the same person that I was when he left. This whole experience has made me grow by leaps and bounds, more so than I ever would have ever guessed. I am most definitely from the school of "everything happens for a reason" and while it is complete shit that I had to go through this, as any breakup is with anyone, a lot of good has come from it.

I can't believe how optimistic I have become. I have always considered myself a realist, but lately, I just think that there is no sense in dwelling in negativity and letting myself get discouraged. Life is too short for all this shit, you know? I am in my mid-twenties, moderately attractive, I have a decent job, a roof over my head (albeit a shitbox one), food to eat, the best friends in the world, access to excellent healthcare, I have money to buy cute shirts whenever I want and a personality that won't quit.... what do I have to feel bad about?

So fuck it! Carpe diem! Enough with the moping and feeling bad. Enough with the sadness about the end of my era... it's not like I won't have sex again for christ's sake.

I am waaaaay too cute for that to ever happen. :-)

Cheers, darlings.

I heart Milwaukee!

2007-02-06T20:21:00.000-06:00

So I haven't written in awhile, and I have soooooooo much to talk about, but something so outstanding has trumped everything. And not outstanding in the good way, but more just... shocking and appalling.

A few weeks ago it snowed like a bitch. It had to have been five inches or so overnight so by the time I got outside to go to work, I had my work cut out for me.

I live in a four unit building. We live in the upper left, with no one beneath us. There is this "family" of sorts in the upper right unit (I have never seen actual adults, just some older looking teenagers, a few kids and a fat toddler with a penchant for pudding) and some new people just moved into the left lower.

As they were moving in, they had some very... tough... looking characters helping them. Now, I am a chunky white girl with a booty and big boobs and these characters found me quite attractive and one day when I was walking to my car I got several of them bidding me good day and asking how I was. Nothing inappropriate, but I most definitely got the impression that I was being undressed in their minds.

So flash forward to the day it snowed and I was going to my car. I started the Lark up and proceeded to start cleaning it off. This was a lengthy process and took over 10 minutes until I was at the passenger side window.

I hear "Miss? Do you need any help? Can I do that for you?" and the guy who recently moved in leaned out the window and smiled charmingly at me. "Oh no! Thank you! I am almost done!" I smiled prettily and scurried back into the car, not wanting to continue the chat with the Cheshire Cat in the window. (Where were you 15 minutes ago, I thought to myself)

A week later, Eric and I were in the attic getting some stuff and moving it downstairs and we heard this BANG!!! and after looking around, just thought that this painting in the hallway had fallen down as it was on the floor and we werent sure that it was there or not.

This was also about the same time that we had the whole snafu with the exploding toilet and the maitenance guy said to Eric "Oh so were you here when the cops came?" Eric was like "What?" Turns out, the fucking SWAT team had staked out the lower left apartment and had BROKEN DOWN THE FUCKING DOOR to the apartment to bust them out.

So yeah, turns out the painting had been on the floor when we went up there.

Now, as I write this, I am sitting in the dark, surrounded by my roommates because our electricity is out and we are waiting for the maitnenance guy to come out here again to figure out why, this is the same guy who was here Saturday, Sunday and MONDAY because our pipes froze and we have once again been without running water. Well, now, that's not necessarily true, we had scalding hot water and had to hand fill the toilet so we could flush it, but now we are seriously S.O.L because the pipe burst in the street and that's the city's problem so they will be here on Weds.

Eric told me that when he was talking to the maitenance guy this afternoon about the pipe problem and he said that they are evicting the people in the lower left apartment. Eric asked why and he was infomed that not only were they dealing massive amounts of contraband (which is really no surprise to anyone, as you could get a contact high just walking by the place on the sidewalk) and they had already destroyed the place after a month but ALSO the male resident has a warrant for MURDER.

That's the nice guy that wanted to help me brush off the car. The guy wanted on murder one.

Midday Update: People are dumb.

2007-01-26T10:12:00.000-06:00

So I just found out that last night my boss locked someone in the store.

We always close at six and it's not like we shut off the lights then haul ass. There is a process, shutting down registers, locking up, putting away the money etc.

Well apparently this was all done, but someone was crouched down in the books and it didnt occur to them that the store was closed when the music was shut off and the lights were off.

She apparently was virtuous though, because after she realised that she was locked in and let herself out (thusly setting off the alarms) stayed put to explain to the groundskeeping head (a real ruler-slapper nun named Sister Georgeann) what had happened.

They called the alarm company to say that all was well and an accident, but the alarm company said "Oh well, we didn't call the police, we called the fire department and they are on their way."

Which doesn't make sense, as it was a burglar alarm, but whatevs.

So she goes outside and sees not one, but THREE fire trucks pulling up with the firefighters getting out with axes in hand.

Axes! Wow!

I told my boss I was super glad I wasn't the one who closed up last night. HA!

Since when is a drain a toilet?

2007-01-25T22:04:00.000-06:00

Last night before I went to bed, I noticed that the toilet was really running pretty loudly. This has been a progressive issue for a few weeks now but was shunted to the side last week when a pipe burst in between the kitchen and the bathroom and the wall had to be sort of torn down.

Anyhoo, so I woke up this morning and knew something was amiss. Then I heard it: even with my space heater on, I could hear water running in the bathroom.

I groggily rolled out of bed and shuffled across the hall and stepped into very chilly water. The bathroom was flooded, as the toilet seemed to be leaking from all of it's joints.

Stupidly, I started to lift up the lid on the back and got hit in the face with a JET of water shooting out from the top. I managed to get the lid back down and fumbled with the water shut off valve, which mercifully quelled the water. I gave the toilet the flush, which turned out to be the last flush for awhile, because I needed to get the water level down in the tank.

As I don't know the "technical" terms for plumbing, I'll just try to explain it as best I can. The bobber thing (which I had already tried to fix awhile ago) had popped off of the tall bit and I couldn't get it to stay back on. Then, I noticed that the joint thinger at the bottom of the toilet was leaking like crazy too and I said "Yo. Out of my control." Which you KNOW is impressive if I wash my hands of it... if I could have fixed it, I would have tried... as I am indeed MacGyver and would have fashioned something out of kitten whiskers, a sharpie and a curtain rod if I could have.

But, as it proved too much for this girl, I mopped up as much as I could, all while cursing the freezing water and the fact that for the 4th time this week I was going to be later for work. I went and woke up Eric and I was like, you have to deal with this! Get up NOW. CALL THE MAITENANCE GUY. GOOD MORNING.

So you know what basically went down at work thanks to the midday post, but I had messaged Eric and was like sooooo, should I go to the bathroom at work? And apparently there was some sort of propane leak at another apartment (yeah right) so we are sans toilet until tomorrow.

We almost had a crisis though... I almost had some tea and if there is one thing that will make you have to go, that is it.

The boys, they were some straight up troopers though. Tom wandered over to the gas station to make and Eric called the maiteneance guy again and said, "Look, you guys have got to get over here... they are sick of having me go to the gas station to poop. I like to be by my home base you know?" Laying it out on the line, eh? I said, nothing like channeling your inner Kramer.

I personally am doing okay, we'll see how tomorrow morning goes with the lack of toilet, but if all else fails, I'll just stop at McD's for some brekkie and a little pee parlor.

Tom did tell me that he couldnt take it and went in the shower and I said, well, it's all pipes what's the difference (channeling my inner Costanza), it all goes to the sewer anyways, you gotta do what you gotta do.

What a fucking shitbox I live in. Fortunately, I love the boys and I love the fact that I finally am upgrading to the bigger room, but seriously, if it's not one thing it's another.

Madre de dios!

Cheers, may my bladder hold out until 8 am.

Midday update: ANGRY!

2007-01-25T15:29:00.000-06:00

I just sent this to Amanda, and because it was so eloquently written, I just decided to post it in it's entirety here:

-------------

I totally just got my ass handed to me by this psycho woman.

She comes in all the time reeking of cigarettes and she always ALWAYS is carrying a 2 liter bottle of coke. She is like, 55, and apparently is a graphic design major (which is laughable, as she clearly has no style at all... she sports the open, button down chambray shirt over a screened tshirt of some kind [generally with either a patriotic theme or, better yet, a kitten and a ball of yarn] and ill fitting mom-jeans and [wait for it] Mickey Mouse baseball cap over insane, scraggly hair and GIANT glasses).

I am always very polite to her when she comes in and I happen to be up at the front. I am almost never behind the register as I have too much shit to do, but from time to time, I am there as she comes in with her coke in hand, looking to buy candy.

So, as I was running hella late today, I threw on my nice dark jeans from the Gap and a black fitted turtleneck, threw on my red kicks, put my hair in a ponytail and ran out the door.

I was just coming back from the bathroom and going back into the store when she was walking in. I said "Hello!" very sunnily and smiled as I opened the door and as she walked past, she said:

"It's nice to see you covered up for a change."

OH HELL NO YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE.

I laughed like "ahahahahahah." because at first, I thought she meant she was glad to see me bundled up as it was cold out, right? But then I was like, HEY WAIT A SECOND. FUCK YOU.

I am especially irritated because I make it a POINT to keep the ladies demure. I work at a fucking catholic school with NUNS. I don't bear all... there aren't even guys here to impress even if I WANTED to.

I think she is going to be shanked the next time she comes in. Prepare to feel my wrath.

------

FIN.

Well, the other shoe has dropped.

2007-01-24T21:36:00.000-06:00

what my cells look like...
... and what my cells SHOULD look like...

So I really should have kept my mouth shut.

I really REALLY should have kept my mouth shut.

I had to go and complain about nothing going on in my life and then... motza ball.

A warning. We are going to dive into the "too much info" realm, so if you are at all squeamish about hearing about medical maladies involving the OB-GYN I suggest you close this window immediately and return tomorrow.

Sigh.

So two weeks ago I went to the OB-GYN for my annual "well woman" exam. All in all, it went really, really well. My cholesterol was down to normal levels (I had been on Accutane which made it skyrocket), my blood sugar was back to normal, as was my blood pressure (I have PCOS which is this hellish disease that fucks up everything... more on that later) and I have lost weight and I have been really good about taking my folic acid to promote good womanly health...

Maybe I should back this train up a little bit and explain the background info. I have PCOS which is PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is basically that I get cysts on my ovaries, which then in turn affect every. single. one. of my major body systems. Endocrine? Check. Digestive? Check. Reproductive? Check. Circulatory? Check. And the list goes on and on. Well, I knew something was up because I went off my birth control because I got a new kind and as of this evening, still have not experienced the joy of my period... since September. Now, I know you are thinking, "Hey! Are you sure you aren't pregnant?" And the answer is pregnancy requires sex... ahahahahahahahahahaha.

So I went to the OBGYN to see what was going on.

Not only did he spend the entire "exam" talking about Michael, but I had to get a "smear" which is very nearly the most awful thing in the world.

When the nurse called me a few days ago, I didn't think anything of it. I thought she wanted to change my appointment or something.

I talked to her today and lo: my pap came back abnormal. Apparently, I have "Atypical Squamous Cells" and need to undergo a "colposcopy" which is like a super cervix magnification journey of fun.

There is a small chance that these cells are pre-cancerous.

Most likely, it is something minor to nothing at all. My mom underwent kind of the same thing when she was 30, after I was born. She ended up having a hysterectomy (and explains why I am an only child), but that is so unlikely. I am just going to have to watch what's going on.

So we'll have to see what happens. I was totally jazzed that for ONCE I was marked as healthy at the OBGYN and lo: this happened. I go in for my "colposcopy" on the 17th. Arrgh.

And the other good news: I now get to have more frequent paps... I thought maybe, every 6 months? No no no... try every 2-3. Fuck.

I should never had said my life was uninteresting.

Cheers.

Hey! I can't help being fine!

2007-01-23T22:14:00.000-06:00

I woke up soooo late today.

I was so tired last night that I forgot to set my alarm and woke up like, an hour and a half late. Man, that is SO annoying! Of course, I called my boss to let her know, and then proceeded to sit down and check my email and facebook... because you can't rush into anything, you know?

I feel that more stuff went on today, but as I am sitting here trying to be clever, I am having a hard time remembering anything. I was thinking about my xanga and remembering how on top of things I used to be... there was always something happening and now? Nothing! I gotta get some sort of action going on!

Let's see... Bears are in the Super Bowl, that's pretty exciting... I think I am going to go hang out with the Crew (Paul, Kevin, Zach, Jay and all of their respective girls) at Danny Palms. It's 35 bucks but all you can eat/drink and there will be much frivolity.

Jackie gave me a pair of pants the other night that I guess Michelle gave her awhile back and Jackie didn't like. So last night I tried them on, and I don't think it was possible to have a more unattractive pair of pants. They were slim cut and stretch jeans and while I was excited to fit into them (hell yeah for losing weight) it looked like I was wearing leggings. Denim leggings. They were like, SKINTIGHT against my thighs and then baggy around my ankles, which is always a super attractive look. My butt looked pretty good, but if there was some way to keep the snuggery around my bum and still allow my thighs to breathe, that would be outstanding.

Needless to say, I don't think those are coming into the regular rotation any time soon.

I think I am going to go to bed now... it has been a long, exhausting, moderately uninteresting day and I am not going to make it worse by adding to this blog.

Cheers, darlings. I'm sorry for writing such a god awful waste tonight.

Introductions all around: Merchants of Death

2007-01-22T22:39:00.000-06:00

So today was the first day of classes at MMC. Man, by the end of the day I just wanted to shoot em all and let God sort em out like a certain uncle did one gray November morn (watch the Simpsons, jerks).

No, it was okay, actually. I am up to my eyeballs in paperwork and I feel I will never catch up with all the invoices that are coming in, but what are you gonna do? This is my first real "rush" so I am not an expert(e) in the art of juggling everything that needs to be done.

I woke up late today, and I felt that all day I never really caught up. I stopped at Super America (or whatever it is called now) and picked up a delicious low fat frappucino in a bottle thinking it would really set the tone for a good day. I get to work and start checking my email... I shook the bottle to get it all mixed up and the next thing I know, I am covered from head to toe in frappucino. I must have loosened the cap and forgotten about it, because it was EVERYWHERE. In my hair, on my computer, my pants were soaked, my floor was sticky... well actually, EVERYTHING was sticky. I had to go wash my face and my shirt in the bathroom... fortunately I had a sweater on that I could continue to wear, but the "ladies" were far more displayed than I usually care to at a catholic school.

After all the shenanigans at work, I met up with Eric and Guy for Sushi Monday. Let me tell you what Sushi Mondays are all about. Like, 5 months ago we decided to go out for susi on Monday night because this place in Stallis has half price sushi rolls (and let me tell you, that is a fucking deal right there!). Well, we now have made it a thing that pretty much every Monday we go SOMEWHERE.

I watched "Thank You For Smoking" a month or two ago with Jackie and in it, the main character meets up with his two pals every week to vent. They are all lobbyists and PR people for Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm interests and they call themselves the Merchants of Death, which is what I have taken to calling the three of us. There are two guys and a girl, they always sit in the same spots and frankly, watching the movie hit a little too close to home. Except of course, we aren't lobbyists... Eric's a geologist, Guy's a teacher and I'm a buyer, so we are a little more on the saccharine side...

Anyways, so I don't know what got into Guy, but his meal alone was over 50 bucks, not including tip. Fortunately, we have a system and we'll switch off buying and it was his turn to pay, but holy crap. He then tried to say he was absolved from paying for sushi monday the next go round and Eric and I were like, uhhhh no dude. WE didn't get two pomagranite margaritas! We didn't order steak! (I just had nachos for chissakes!) Our bill was over 100 dollars, which is four times more than it usually is. Good times.

I was supposed to go to Tom's poetry reading tonight, but I totally got home late and I feel like a heel a little bit. I was extra nice to his dog instead, which makes up for it kinda.

Aussie Steve and I have been emailing again. He sent me pictures. why, Why, WHY does he do this to me when I am vulnerable and willing to drop everything and move to Sydney? He has a fucking girlfriend... of course. Because he's hot, he's a doctor, he's funny and and he's a capricorn.

Us Caps are some sexy beasts, let me remind you.

Enough now, time for bed...

Cheers.

Uh yeah, my freshman year poetry class called? They want their 'D' quality work back.

2007-01-21T22:57:00.000-06:00

So today was a fine day.

I woke up and popped in Goodfellas, which I hadn't seen in AGES. I forgot how much I adore Ray Liotta and why he is on my list of baby daddies.

Why, what do you mean 'Who ELSE is on your list of baby daddies?' Allow me!

(in no particular order)

Adrien Brody.
Ray Liotta.
Dan Ackroyd. No, I don't understand it either.
Robert Plant. Young, hot Robert Plant. Not like, recently.
James Spader.
You.

Ha! Kidding! No, they are all kinda irreverant hey? Not that I have ever been a textbook ANYTHING, but these are all over the place. Interesting as there is really only one blond in there, considering my track record for dating lanky blond boys.

Adrien Brody is bodice-melting hot though. I LOVE guys with big noses. It is totally a sexual thing, I can admit that.

Okay, so forgetting about my melted bodice for a moment, after I reveled in the world of Ray Liotta, I got up and went down to Racine to watch the Bears kick the pants off of the Saints with Paul, Kevin, Jay and Zach.

I cannot believe how much fun just sitting there with those guys was. It was not only good to be watching a little football, but also the deflecting and thrusting of the little barbed comments that I just don't get enough of in my day to day life.

I was also informed that at one point, my darling Michael had decided that it would be a good idea to snort a boullion cube.

Hang on, hang on. . .

A BOULLION CUBE.

This was the guy I wanted to have kids with!? I must have been out of my mind.

I then stopped over for a minute over at my mom's house to drop off some hangers and somehow we started talking about my retiring in the Caribbean and she was insulted that I would wait until she was dead to go down there. I told her she was going to live to be 135 just to make my life a living hell. I described her: skin, tanned to a leathery consitancy, a visor as well as Blu-Blockers, a bikini, chain smoking, a bottle of rum in one hand and riding a Rascal, yelling at me and my children ("No, kids, look, Grandma is not going to listen to me... I can't make her stop trying to seduce the bartender. Look, tell her a Chippendale's show is in town, that will keep her busy for a few hours as she tries to find it.")

Welcome to hell Miss K.

My last stop was to Jackie's to pick up my pair of old glasses that I had left there last summer. I tried them on... maaaan, do I look different without my chunky frames. I thought I would occasionally wear the old ones to "take it down a notch" but as I realised that everyday I am running full force to eleven, there is no such thing as "Nicki, down a notch."

Man, it feels weird blogging again. Just like riding a bike though.

Buenos noches, darlings.

Cheers.

Here's to another goddamn New Year

2007-01-21T10:41:00.001-06:00

Okay. Enough is enough I guess. I have been told from many, MANY people to ressurect my blog. I realised that I do my best writing when I am single, bitter and resentful.

So here I am. Bitter and resentful, party of one, your table is ready.

No, now, let's be realistic. I am not THAT bitter. Yes, okay, the end of 2006 was really shit. Yes, if it wasn't for my sunny disposition and sense of humor, I would have gone completely off the deep end. Alas, I am a scrappy little thing and managed to keep my wits about me.

To get everyone up to date and to keep records straight from my last post, Michael and I broke up. I could get into the long winded explanation but let's just say that all of my predictons came true et ca suffit.

Suffice to say I am now trying to get back into the world of dating, which is a trainwreck of epic proportions. Like, for example, I was asked out by this 30 year old PR guy for martinis. I meet up with him and instead of martini night, it was wine flight night... well, okay, that's fine, right? So he starts talking and I can't believe how boring this guy is. He's talking about mortgages and then I realise: he is wearing pleated khakis.

PLEATED KHAKIS.

He then goes on to tell me that he doesn't like anything but beer. So why then, pray tell, did you ask me out for martinis? Look, jerk. If you like beer, that's fine! Ask me out for a beer. Don't try to impress me with your wine and martinis and then look at me disdainfully when I say I like gin and tonics.

I really should not be all that surprised. He is thirty, from Wisconsin... of COURSE he likes beer and of COURSE he was wearing pleated khakis. I should really have just been pleased that he wasn't wearing camo or something.

So here we go again. Everyday my life is filled with drama and shenans, I might as well write it down hey?

La vita e bella.

Cheers.

"Was she like this when she was younger? Maybe less cursing?" "Nah, she was like this with a mullet. Just as much cursing."

2006-04-07T09:27:00.000-05:00

So without letting Penzey's know, I am looking for a new job. As great as it is to sit and do nothing all day everyday (this could be someone's dream job) I am fed up and frustrated. So what am I going to do? I have no degree (which I will get soon enough though, so that's not really a big deal) I have a hideous credit score (which is my fault, but I'm not self actualised so it's not my fault) and I am surly. But that is all okay because I am a schmoozer. People love me, because I have a great smile and am a skilled liar and actress. Like they said in the musical "Chicago": How can they hear the truth behind the roar?

I have appplied at a staffing agency and she is looking into a few positions for me like an Administrative Assistant at an archectural firm and a CSR/Export Coordinator for an Import/Export firm in Milwaukee.

Bwahahahahahaha.

They both pay considerably more... although it will be sad to say good bye to my spice discount and the gals at Penzey's... but yeah. Suck it Penzey's!

I wanna say it was either Dennis Quaid or Denzel Washington

2006-04-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

So Michael is going to his first study abroad orientation this week. I know he is very excited and the closer we get, the more excited I get. He's going to be gone a year, studying in Italian in Bologna (a far superior experience than my own jaunt to Belgium, but I digress). A year is a long time to be gone, but the time is going to pass so fast. It's already April! A year is nothing!

Why I am I so excited? Am I glad to be getting rid of him? Of course not. His trip, however, is the perfect reason for me to get back to Europe. I really could have gone at any point before this (granted, I would have had to work a little harder at my finances...) but it seems like something always comes up.

So I'm going to Italy! I am looking at late January, early February (a late happy birthday to me!) and it looks like the best deals are either flying into Milan or Rome. Rome! I am so excited! I have never been to Rome and I am dying to go! Plus it will be nice to see Michael again...

I was thinking about going for a week or so, ugh... that's going to be sooo expensive, but I wasn't a thrifty gal in Belgium for nothing! I think we did our week in London for something like 200 bucks a piece, and that included seeing Chicago the musical. So we'll see what kind of penny pinching I can come up with.

Also, my friend Melissa has (repeatedly) invited me out to Seattle to visit her so I think I may have to do that before Michael gets back.

Looks like I might be a jet setter before I know it!

I'm disrespectful to dirt. Can you see that I am serious?

2006-03-31T21:10:00.000-06:00

My dad is an advertising consultant and a generally pretty smrt guy. I was really irritated over shitty commercials and wrote this email, potentially the best email I have ever written:

---
You know I was thinking about the "does Harry the Hatter have hats?"
thing you were telling me about and then I was reading your blog and
something profound occurred to me: commercial jingles are awful.
AWFUL. You should make it a point to banish jingles to the land of
wind and ghosts. there is this jingle that was on y97 (and I was how
old? 8? so this has been in my craw for 15 years?!) and someday I will
be 95 years old, have no idea what my name is or where I am, but I
will be able to recite perfectly:

(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

come listen to the story about a man named Jed
cranky transmission made him almost lose his head
then one day, thought he's go fishin'
couldn't do that, cause he had a bad transmission

cranky! real mean! angry n stuff!

so the next thing you know, Jed's real despaired
kinfolks said: "Jed, get the thing repaired!"
said: "RJ's is the place where people save!"
So he loaded up the truck and went to RJ's!

So maybe there is something to be said for a catchy jingle. Do I
remember it because its a familiar tune? I have never had a passing
interest in the Beverly Hillbillies, and I have no idea how the ACTUAL
song goes. You know our shared hatred for the Charmin commercial (NO
ONE needs to see bears crapping the forest) and yet, when I hear a
"cha cha cha" I instinctively follow it with "Charmin!" Or the
Applebee's commercials that are increasingly irritating (from: "Hey
Mambo! Mambo Italiano! You like sauce and Applebees has got it for
ya!" to the shrimp special to the tune of Gilligan's Island "a three
hour too-urr! a three hour too-urr!" What the hell is a too-urr? Why
are they standing in water?! What does that have to do with a shrimp
special!?!)

This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.

ciao, ciao!
Nicki

Here I go again, on my own...

2006-03-03T15:36:00.000-06:00

Hello! Time to shake off the shackles of xanga. I think this is a little more pretentious and quite frankly, I think xanga is pretty much only a minor step up from myspace.

And we all know how myspace is:

LOLZ.... i LUV my gurlz n my boy. ur my heart! west high poms 4 eva!

So we venture forth. This is me, legitimately trying to document little things and amusing bits taking my cue from the ultimate in hilarious blogging: http://teh-dirty-robot.livejournal.com

Mille Baci!