Muah ha ha. Fire.

So.

When it rains it pours.

I went out last night with Matt, even though I did try to weasel out of it. In fact, I HAD weaseled out of it, but then felt guilty and called him up and was like, look, now I'm going to be bored, you are going to be bored, let's be bored together.

So he came by and then we went to some "Irish Pub" on National in 'Stallis. And I pretty much died laughing. It looked pretty authentic from the outside, it even had a "Mc _____" name but inside, it was just a regular West Allis bar with white trash, terrible music and cheap drinks. It was actually a lot of fun. We had a nice time, I gave him a chaste hug at the end (to which Robin quipped: "Well now he thinks you are innocent 'n' stuff...")

But I got home and went to check my email and saw that the Cuteness was online (and I don't know how I started calling him that. His name is Will, that's what he'll be called from now on) so I did the crazy thing and went available to see what he would do, and lo: he messaged me.

He apologised for not calling me back or whatever and I was like, yeah it's okay, I just figured you weren't interested or whatever, no big deal... and he goes "No, actually I was TOO interested and I thought you would be turned off by me coming on too strong."

What? TOO interested? Are you joking me? I then called him out and was like, well you have a pretty shit way of showing it. YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD TO SHOVEL. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

So we kept talking or whatever and he asked me out again and I said yes, BUT. It is totally up to him and I am not going to put myself out there for me to get let down again. Not that I won't make an effort if he asks me out, but I am getting a little tired of the games...

He then asked me if I was still single and I said yes and he was like, "I can't believe you haven't been snatched up yet."

Well.

Flattery does work wonders.

I was flattered earlier this week too... I was talking to Brant online (who has a girlfriend, I am not remotely interested in him) and we were talking about his picture on his girlfriends myspace. She said "OOH, ISN'T HE HOT?" or something undeneath one of the pics and I said, there are much more flattering pictures of him and gave him examples. I then asked him if he was satisfied and if it was okay if I stopped stroking his ego, and he replied that it was and wanted to know if I wanted mine stroked.

Well, of course I do. Don't be crazy.

So he says: "Your wit is matched only by your beauty and there is a certain gentleman in Indianapolis who is either very stupid or very lucky."

::dies::

(Which reminds me of something my lover in Connecticut said while standing in New York City on New Year's Eve..."I am standing in the Village and all around me is craziness... and all I can think about is you.")

So needless to say, my ego was indeed coddled.

THEN, I went out last night with Jackie and Hannah to Foundation and Linnemans' (well, we tried to get into Linneman's but there was a line... wtf) and finally ending up at Lulu's to see the Chop Top Toronados but while we were at Foundation we were sitting at a table and this guy comes up to us.

He was pretty cute... Asian-ish, lovely smile... and he starts talking to me (hwah?). He asked me if I was in the Navy (I was wearing this navy blue jacket with white lettering that said "NAVY- ADAK- KODIAK" on the back [which was a base in WWII and Korea] that Michael and I picked up at some thrift shop a year and a half ago or something. I have never worn it out, or since Michael left, he was the one that always wore it when he was here, I don't know why I wore it last night, to be honest) to which I laughed and said no, and explained that it was vintage. He went "Ohh, I see. Yeah I am in the Navy, I was just wondering."

So then we started this little exchange about how I should have lied to impress him, but he would have called me out on it, had a little laugh and he walked away. I looked at Hannah and Jackie and was like "that was odd! He was cute!"

20 minutes or so goes by and he comes back. This time he introduces himself (although I can't remember what it is) and asks me if I ever thought about joining and we had a little chat about that, about how I took my ASVAB, blew it out of the water, almost enlisted and decided against it. He said he was just discharged and now is going to school at UWM for Economics, then he asked me where I went and what for. He was like "Ooh, so you speak French?!" and then he told me how he had been stationed in Spain...

At this point, I was like, holy crap, this guy is totally hitting on me. WHAT?! I AM AT A BAR. I NEVER GET HIT ON BY CUTE BOYS IN BARS (well, okay, I have been, but it has been a LONG time).

So he then wanders away and I remember thatI have my "cards" in my purse. These are literally the greatest gift my mother has ever given me. They are like business cards, and instead of my name or something printed on there, they have these kicky little phrases like "You Need A Mint" or "You Rock" or "Wanna Take This Outside?" So I decide that this boy is cute enough to warrant one, so Hannah flips through them and picks a few out and I decide to give him "Nice To Meet You." I went to the bar and asked for a pen and jotted my email down on the back, went back to the table and decided how my plan of action was going to work getting it to him.

I was saying something to Jackie when she cleared her throat and nodded and I turn and realise that he is standing there again. He held out his hand and shook mine (good firm grip, I'll admit, it was sexy). He said it was nice meeting me and he asked me my name again and I was like "Well, actually, here you go." and handed him the card. He looked down and smiled and was like "but I don't have a little card for you!" I laughed and said it was alright and said to email me and he said he would.

WHAT!? WHO DOES THAT!? I HAVE NEVER GIVEN OUT MY EMAIL IN A BAR!

So we'll see. I rather doubt that he will email me, but the little exchange was awfully good for my ego, although it is by no means lacking right now. After he left, Hannah looked at me and said "You have some serious balls to do that. I would never have the nerve to give someone a little card like that."

And normally I wouldn't have, but this on fireness is working.

Plus, I know I was really cute last night. In the picture I posted up there, you can clearly see I have lost weight, and nothing says self-esteem like realising you have lost weight. And what does self- esteem do? Attracts boys.

ON FIRE. HA!

Oh lord, I am such an f-ing psycho

So tonight I have a date.

Hooray right? I should be all excited, thinking about what I am going to wear and whatnot...

NO.

NO FUCKING WAY.

I do this EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a first date or I am going to hang out with someone for the first time. I find some reason to blow them off. Sometimes it is a legitimate reason like I don't feel well, and other times it is because I just decide I hate them and the world and would rather hang out with my REAL friends or be by myself than make a new friend or lover or something.

I am not joking, I have done it every single time. With everyone.

Is it some kind of crazy initiation rite? You have to be blown off and shunned by me in order for me to like you? Robin likened it to the jewish faith, where you have to ask three times before you can be initiated or something... which is fucking retarded of me. These are NICE people who want to hang out with me and I'm like oh no no no. This won't do at all!

Last night I was feeling all good about this and like yeah! I have a date! I am teh cute! And I woke up this morning and all I can feel is a tightness in my chest and a sense of dread. For like, no reason... at least no discernable reason.

I do things like this a lot, actually. Take, for example, deciding on where to eat dinner on Sushi Mondays. I will ALWAYS say no to the first three suggestions REGARDLESS of what they are. I don't care if all I want is pizza and you suggest pizza, because I will say noooo, how about something else? But I won't offer a suggestion until much later. I mean, who fucking does that?

Is this some sort of power thing? Is it some kind of bizarre self gratification or feelings of superiority? I always feel like shit after I do it, but that doesn't stop me from doing it... EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I always then call the person and I'm like, okay let's do something on ____ and we do and it is great... it's just the first time I can't get over.

But NO! I AM GOING OUT TONIGHT AND IT WILL BE GRAND!

If I don't kill myself first. Argh.

Indeed.

So I have not recieved an email from Kevin of Indiana fame.

I sent him a little chatty chat chatty email last week and Lynsy informed me that he was going to be in Chicago for the weekend. I realised that this would probably have an impact on the whole return email thing, and didn't think about it.

But sitting at work, I think about it.

It's all a rather odd situation isn't it? I mean, really, he has no obligation to email me, and I realise this. I also think I might think he is cuter than he thinks I am, and thus expecting too much from him.

I am not stupid. I am a realist! I know that is absurd to like a guy in f-ing INDIANA but he was awfully cool. Also, it doesn't help that I have Robin and Lynsy nattering in my ear to "give it a shot!" and "You have to try! He could be the ONE and you are BLOWING IT!" et. al.

So what to do? Do I send another email, even though that goes against my new found prinicples of not settling or convincing a guy to like me? I told Lynsy, I would rather be by myself than have to convince someone to be with me. I like my company just fine and I have friends that like me for me, so why would I comprimise that by berating someone into liking me. I mean, wtf. Do I wait it out? Do I write it off? Hrm.

God, men are idiots. If I didn't despise women I would so be a lesbian.

Midday Update: WTF?

So I was trying to find this website that has all these exchange students from Belgium on there so I could upload some pictures onto my facebook group and at one point, I was able to just pull it up by typing in my name in google.

I tried that to no avail. I tried all combinations of my name... nothin.

So, on a whim, I typed in Nicki and my last name and clicked "images" in google and the only thing that came up was the picture of WHAM! to the left there.

My dad is a media consultant, and he had mentioned my name in one of his blogs and was talking about WHAM! for some reason and lo: that is what comes up in google.

Son of a bitch. I DARE anyone to come up with a better google photo search.

Midday Update: Free at last! Free at last! Thank GOD, I AM FREE AT LAST!

Something cajunga has just happened.

Michael and I are friends again on facebook.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but to me, it is.

I wanted him to see the pictures I had posted of my new flat and I wanted to see his pictures of Capri and he sort of snarkily said "well, you don't want to see pictures of me."

And I realised that there was no need for THIS anymore. This animosity, this jealousy, this resentment. I don't feel any of it anymore and by clicking "Add To Friends" made a huge difference. It was accepting that we could in fact be friends, admitting that I am excited he is coming home from a FRIENDLY point of view and even better, knowing that all those negative feelings are GONE.

So he accepted me, and I looked through his pictures, which not all that long ago kind of made me a little apeshit (but more because that gypsy girl was wearing my hat, not because of anything with him) and I felt NOTHING. I laughed at his horrible, horrible sweaters, I enjoyed his clearly inebriated shenanigans and that was it.

I think this is all coming from my on fire-ness. However... could it be that instead of just a temporary burst of awesomness, that in fact, I am just an awesome person? Could it be that after years off bullshit and tears, I have grown up? Could it be that I am now comfortable with myself, accepting that which I cannot fix, and loving the wackiness that is me? Has it rendered me self confident, self assured and ready for action? Can it be that although I am perennially bitter... that I am not actually bitter at all?

I'm sorry, my brain totally just exploded.

Hallelujah!

Is it sad that the highlight of my weekend was that I straightened my hair?

No, I kid. I of course did more this weekend than straighten my hair. Although as indicated by the nausea-inducing picture I took, it turned out incredibly well and I am exceedingly cute. Also, I forgot how cute that sweater is. My bosom looks lovely... very lovely.

But enough about my bosom and general loveliness.

I had a really good weekend, actually. I really had nothing planned, so I had a good opportunity to get some of my stuff put away and also totally slack off.

My bedroom is nearly completed, with the exception (no joke) of three garbage bags filled with laundry that requires immediate attention but will inevitably be put off until next weekend until I go to Racine, or if I can manage to drag myself to the laundromat.

I hate the laundromat though. I used to love it in college, because that was the only time I ever sat and did homework. It smells so nice... but now, any time I go, I inevitably get hit on by migrant workers. It is so bad that I went to Walmart and bought the gaudiest, largest fake diamond ring they had and subsequently wear it to fend off any interested parties.

Let me tell you something: those commercials that are usually for jeans or something where they show a sexy guy and girl romping in a laundromat are LIES. There are never sexy guys at the laundromat. There are guys who are looking for green cards, there are guys who have six children who all have sticky hands and koolaid all over their faces who are screaming and there are guys who give off a Chester Molester vibe. There are no taut, steamy men who take off their shirts and pants to give them a wash. Although, granted, I generally am not looking my sexy best... I am usually decked out in sweatpants (although not the cute ones, those are already dirty) and some tshirt (generally one of Michael's old ones that still manange to find their way into my wardrobe rotation) and I usually haven't showered. Which it makes it all the more interesting that I get hit on. Gah.

Okay, enough with the laundromat. I apparently feel very strongly about it though, hey?

So I went shopping with Jackie's kid sister and her aunt for prom dresses. She got a lovely navy satin number... total glam sex kitten. It made me a little nostalgic for my own prom and my prom dress... Sigh. I looked so cute that night... too bad I had dumped my boyfriend like two weeks before (but I am going to stop right there, because that is another diatribe I could launch into complete with self-deprecation and head smackery, and I am not in the mood for that). Regardless, Angie looks fab and I am sure she will have an awesome time.

I went out to dinner with the Merchants of Death on Friday. It was so nice to see Guy again, I haven't seen him in ages. Eric then came back over to my place for awhile.. just hanging out. I am so glad I have an apartment now where I can have guests over and not feel like I am bothering anyone or be embarassed that I live in a shitbox.

Saturday night I went out with Jackie and Megan, going to the Wicked Hop to see Meg's husband's band play. It was pretty fun. We then went to Points East to see the Uptown Savages. The Savages are a rockabilly band and fun to see in concert, but maaan. The kids who go see this show are such poseurs. (Yeah, I spelled posers like that. Because they are POSEURS). They all had cuffed pants and dramatic jewelry and it is like, come ON. You can't be an individual if you ALL look like that.

Anyways. Then Sunday Paul came over so he could pick up my two computers and monitors that I want out of my house. He hung out for a little bit, and it was nice. We haven't really hung out since December, when we went to Target and spent an hour at Starbucks taking pictures with my camera phone.

For dinner I made myself some weenie mac and gave myself food poisoning. Somehow the butter that I had went bad and fortunately I knew something was off and didn't eat much of it, but still managed to spend 20 minutes puking in despair in my bathroom.

Good luck movin' up 'cause I'm movin' out

So now begins the long and arduous process of unpacking. I have no idea where I got all this crap from.

I mean, I know, sorta. I am a packrat, although reformed and doing much better, I have a tendancy to hold on to crap for sentimental reasons. Like tank tops that I wore when I was in Belgium. I will never in a million years fit into them ever again, and even if I did, they are so out of style that it is not even funny. Yet, I keep them and move them each time.

Or, take things that people have given me. They would never know if I got rid of it because I have never worn it or used it or whatever and yet, I keep it because I feel feelings would be hurt if I didn't.

I know where all the books came from though, because I have read since I can remember and being a formerly disgruntled employee of the Barne, I got lots of free advance copies of stuff, picked things up for incredibly cheap or just bought books like a fiend. The problem is, I now have no room to put any of this stuff.

Not true, I have heaps of room, I just have no shelving. I guess a trip to IKEA is again in order, once I have money.

I understand the holding on to things mentality though... I came across a bunch of stuff of Michael's (like these god awful jnco jeans with a ridiculous stripe down the side) and Jackie said I should toss them, that would serve him (because frankly, he knew the risk...) but I knew that if I were to get rid of them, he would have punched me in the face when he gets home, and then ran me over with his car.

So I threw them in a box labeled "Michael" and will proceed to hang on to his shit, although I am getting reeeally sick of looking at it.

Well, some of his stuff. The DVDs and kitchen gadgets and cat are all very well and good.

I told him about this and he said to take pictures and send them to him, and I thought the middle finger Seinfeld pic was awfully funny.

Anyways, so no internet this weekend, not that I will have a whole lot to blog. I will be getting my router and all that on Monday I guess, so that's good. I have to get back on the internet at home... I am missing out on waaay too much porn.

Just kidding. Sorta.

See you Monday!

I think he just wanted to get out of paying rent.

So the reason that I haven't updated this since I swore I was going to, is because my entire life has been turned upside down this past week. If you would have asked me two weeks ago what I would be doing, my response would not have been this.

Remember how I had the building inspector coming? Yeah, turns out that he deemed my apartment "unsuitable for human habitation" and "evacuated us. We had until Tuesday to move out. This was on Friday.

(insert insane, maniacal laughter here)

So I talked to my parents and my dad (my glorious, wonderful father) had me just get movers set up to move my stuff so I wouldn't have to do it all by myself and with my strong friends (although Jackie and Eric did totally help out, which makes them near deities in my book [and Robin, I will mention, has helped me move every single other time, so she definitely deserves recognition, although she was not physically here this time])

On Monday night, I got the keys and did a load with Eric, and then Tuesday moved the rest of my stuff. I love LOVE my new apartment. It is an amazing step forward. It is spacious and clean and quiet.... wonderful. My kitty cat is all happy and I am happy and although I am exhausted, I am excited to go back home after work and unpack more. The picture to this blog is of my kitchen table in my new apartment... it looks so rustic italian... I don't know how that happened. It makes me want to drink Chianti (which I have) and eat pasta (which I have) with good friends (which I have) and listen to Dean Martin's Volare (which I also have... apparently I need to have a dinner party, hrm?)

Also, this weekend was St Patricks, which as you all know is my favorite of holidays. I usually end up drunk off my ass making out with someone (or has been the case, more than one person. Ha!) . This year however, my exboyfriend Joe was in town for the weekend and we spent the evening together.

It was really good seeing him. I haven't seen him for about two years I think and it was nice being able to catch up. He lives in San Francisco now as a litigation lawyer. We went out to dinner at Coquette Cafe which is delightful french cuisine (I had Coq Au Vin, and pinot noir, in case you were wondering) and then we went back to my place and played Bethumped (which is a board game about linguistics... it was very fun).

What else is going on...

I think that is it. I have sort of been doing this little email dance with Kevin (one of the guys from Indianapolis, the one I incidentally have a crushy crush on) and so that is kind of fun. It's crap though that we are in different cities (okay, different states too) because it is hard to kick the charm up to 11 (although, there really is no such thing as Nicki less than 11, I will say again) but you know... I am just so damn cute in person and it's hard to convey cuteness via email.

Although I think I do a good job of it on here, so I don't know what my issue is.

So there was just a 30 minute delay between this sentance and the last because I was on the phone with stupid ATT for my high speed home interneting (because I don't get enough of it here [side note: I have been here for almost three hours and haven't really even looked at my work.]) and I had to give Pat her break and as I was walking away she goes "Are you losing weight?" and I said, "Well, I don't know, am I?" She said "Yeah, you are looking thinner."

I guess the lenten sacrifices are paying off. And the fucking pilates.

ON FIRE!!

Holy crap, I am not allowed to not update ever again

This post is a doozy. Be prepared!

Okay! Do I have some things to say or what?! I don't even know where to begin really...

I guess I should back things up to last week Friday. Robin and I had been talking (well, I mean, we talk like every day, but whatever) and after some miscommunication concerning dates, at 7.30 am on Friday as I was driving to work, I decided to be exciting and drive down to see her in Indianapolis. I called my dad and he was willing to let me use the car (and the I-PASS, woo!) so after work I floored it over to my apartment, threw a bunch of shit into a bag then floored it down to Racine to pick up the car. I knew I was reeeeally pushing it with time, because I got out of work at 1, but if I didn't get moving, I was going to hit rush hour Friday Chicago traffic dead on.

And I did.

But it was really okay, because I had my cds and I was in an outstanding mood. Okay, so yes, it took me like 2.5 hours to get through Chicago, but it gave me some time to think. In fact, the drive to Indy (which is a straight shot, at like 80mph... it's a little boring) gave me ample opportunity for some thinking.

Which I have been doing a lot of, actually. I am getting awfully introspective in my old age. Anyways.

So I get to Indy and practically leap out of the car (5.5 hours will do that to a person) and was introduced to Rob, Robin's... gentleman caller (I don't know what to consider him... he isn't her boyfriend, but they aren't not dating... whatevs) we played a hearty few rounds of Guitar Hero (which I am considerably sick of now, but that's okay) and just sat around and caught up.

Saturday, Robin took me into Indy and showed me the sights. We went to her work and I saw her lair, and she showed me the numerous war momuments. We went to this mall and I bought a necklace at Nordstrom's for $10 (I know! At Nordy's?! WTF!?). We found some girl scouts and bought some cookies, ate a little lunch... plus it was totally beautiful out. It was a realy nice day hanging out with Robin, I miss her when she is not around, and it was fun just hanging out.

We went back to her place to chillax before our sortie at night. Her friend Shelby came over as we (well, okay I) was getting ready... he was a nice guy.. a little drunk, but nice. We then went over to this Scottish bar/pub to meet up with her friends...

And then the glory that is my life presented itself.

I know I am a charming person. I know I am bizarrely endearing. I know that I am a massive flirt. But lo: that night I was everything I could have been and more. It was like I was the quintessential Nicki, the Nicki that I have always strived to be. I was on fire.

Everything I said was golden. Everything I did was calculated for maximum effect. I had smartly positioned myself between Robin's two male friends (Matt and Kevin) and by the end of the night I had them both eating out of my hand. I was by no means being slutty, I wasn't using my sexual perspicacity.. oh no. I was just using my ingenious sense of humor, a couple of well placed hand-on-the-shoulder-while-laughings, and my total fucking adorablenessocity. Plus, it totally didn't hurt that my hair is at a really good length to pull of the bed head, which seasoned veterans of my blog will remember ALWAYS gets me attention from the boys (because I sort of look like I am about to jump into bed with someone or just came from bed with someone and this only magnifies it... it's a super good technique ladies!!). So needless to say I have a crush on both of them and I am going back to Indy ASAP.

ON FIRE.

We went to a few totally dive bars but it was a lot of fun. Everything that I write here cannot stress the awesomeness of myself (good god that is arrogant) that night. I wish I could describe it better. Both guys were like "hey are you on myspace or facebook!?" which as you know is like the social precursor to "Can I have your phone number?" which I know for a FACT that I would have gotten/given out had it not been for the fact that I live in WI.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

So on Sunday, we slept in then got brekkie (because that is just what you do on Sunday, is go to brekkie) and then I started the long drive back. Fortunately, I was able to gun it a little and got back in 4 hours, which was nice. I had a looooooong talk with Michael and it was really nice. He is coming home fairly soon, which is weird to think about. I am so used to him being gone and just sort of being this intangible... something. I don't know. We have been having really good conversations lately and I think we are almost to the point of friends? Hrm. We were teasing each other and it was just sweet. I told him that he was dating a burly Teutonic woman, which the mere phrasing of still cracks me up.

I then went over to Jackie's to see her kid sister's prom dress and hung out for a little bit. It was all very uneventful.

So then, on Monday the Fire trend continued... the landlord told Eric that there was not going to be a rent discount because of the problems last month with the water and electricity and heat (and even better, it was OUR fault because the apt downstairs left the back door open... ummm?) so because I am a carpe diem kind of person and basically I am getting really tired of being jerked around by these ass clowns, I sent an email to my district alderman and then on Tuesday called the Dept of Neighborhood Housing and threw down the gauntlet.

So now there is a complaint filed against the property (in addition to the ones already on there) and the Building Inspector just called and so they are going to get over there.

You wanna fucking play with me, asshole? We can play.

When all of this went down though, I called my parents and I was like, I CANNOT do this anymore. I am not signing the lease (which is up at the end of the month) and I got their blessing to move out (not that it is up to them, but its always nice).

So I started looking on Craigslist (godsend) and called a guy about a place, you know, just for shits and giggles...

And oh my god... it was the cutest fucking place I have ever seen. It is 550 a month but includes electricity. One bedroom, off street parking, porch and it is completely remodeled. It is in West Allis (which I have maintained that I despise since I have moved to Milwaukee) but I LOVE the area. It is close to everything, there are little restaurants, it is close to the Farmer's Market, easy freeway access... not to mention that it is HUGE. And sunny!

So I put in my application and was like "yeah, okay, credit check... nice to meet you, I'll be leaving..." and yesterday...

He called and approved me. Wha!?

ON FIRE.

I should really get back to work now, as this has taken me over an hour to write...

But damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Meri Winkle- March 6, 2007

So I was going to bitch about how Eric and I had a snafu with Sushi Monday yesterday and how I ended up driving all the way into Hales Corners and sitting by myself like a complete wonk waiting for him and how he was actually sitting at another restaurant a mile up the road and how I didn't have my cell phone so I had to drive all the way home...

But I just got an email from my aunt. My cousin's (well, second cousin... my dad's cousin) wife just passed away from ovarian cancer. She was 38. They have two kids, 15 and 10. The ironic bit is that my cousin is a OB/GYN... yeesh.

It's pretty sad. She was a really strong, peaceful woman.

I have no idea how you deal with the loss of a spouse like that... especially one who was still fairly young. I emailed my cousin and told him how sorry I was and you know if there is anything I can do, blah blah blah... and he responded "Thanks." Just thanks. So much emotion and heartache in just one word.

Cancer is a real fucking bitch, to put it mildly. My grandmother died from colon cancer... Robin's dad died from pancreatic cancer... Eric's brother died from leukemia... now Meri and I am not out of the woods yet with my whole cervical business... christ. Cancer is so indiscriminate, and that is the scariest part about it. I mean, look at that. People ranging from 70-17 and that is just people I know!

I guess it really puts perspective on things. I could sit here and bitch about not meeting up with my friend, or not having a date on Friday, or unrequited love or the fact that I still have the mysterious hickey type thing, but then someone dies and you realise that it is all utter and complete bullshit. Everything is.

Or maybe it's not. Because everything I am doing is dealing with love and life and if you don't have people that love you and you love, what do you have?

RIP Meri Winkle... may you keep on smiling wherever you are.

fuck you, Dave Matthews

So it is no secret that I pretty much despise Dave Matthews. Yes, there are a few songs that I like, but I just hate the whole princple behind jam bands (yes, the Dead are counted in there) and the like (watch out there, prog rock, you are pushing it). I guess I don't like too much creativity in concerts, because I like knowing that the show they saw in Philly was more or less then same as the one I saw in Milwaukee. I just hate how these bands do everything different at each show, the getting a bazillion dollars in sales from all the different "Live From" albums.

With that said, man! I LOVE the song Two Step. I always have.

I started adding songs to my standalone player on my myspace (which, by the way, is a major inconvenience to people not using it but storing music online but is seriously like, the cooolest fucking thing I have seen for myspace, like ever and I was reeeeally tempted to add it to this page, but I withheld, you're welcome) and as that was playing, I took a long hard listen to Two Step....

and I realised what my problem is.

Well, okay, I have major problems. I know this. I know they are also too many to list here. So maybe I should have said: I know what one of my love problems is.

I want to have some guy feel for me the way good ol' Dave does in that song. I want someone to say that I drive them to distraction. I want someone to celebrate life with me, for christ's sake. I am so sick of the feeling I get that I badger people into dating me. I mean, Michael always sort of gave me that impression, that I had to convince him to date me (or maybe plead is a better word). I could list another three and that's just recently! I know I am a tough cookie, and I know I am very outgoing, very take charge, very smart and that is a LOT to handle. But seriously? It's not that bad. I guess I need to find a guy who can take the kid gloves off with me and let go.

And so, the lyrics (even though any time I do anything with lyrics I think of stupid Brad Johnson and him telling me that he thinks lyrics are dumb and hold no meaning. And yes, I know he's reading this):

Say, my love, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we
Might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this?
Our flesh and blood it ties
You and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like
Wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you
Quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
The things we cannot

Celebrate, you and me, climbing
Two by two, to be sure
These days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love, I came to you
With best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what
I'm seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
Were climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue,
Things we cannot change...
Things we cannot change...

Oh man. That is good right there (said, picturing Patty and Selma Bouvier, smoking, watching MacGyver.)

And maybe I need to lay of the contra for a little bit. This getting high and then writing deep shit is getting to be really far out, man. (wink!)

Midday Update: Not possible

So it looks like I have a hickey on my neck.

This was not here yesterday and I certainly haven't been cavorting with someone here at work, so I don't know what is going on.

Yes, I have been in the position (hahahahahaha, sparkling word play) to be the recipient of a hickey, but I didn't get one then (although I did get a mysterious sort of bruise on my arm) and I'm sorry, you don't screw around and then a few days later one mysteriously appears.

It is all red and angry! I think maybe it is a nasty scratch or something, but how did I get it? And why is it on my neck?

It doesn't hurt or anything, but it is getting irritated because I keep fucking with it. I keep walking past the mirror to observe it and it is driving me insane.

It is totally leprosy. Son of a bitch.

We gotta get out while we're young...

So somewhere along the way last week I reverted back to high school Nicki. I guess it was Thursday, hanging out with Clobes at his parent's house, but it certainly didn't stop this weekend.

I was supposed to have an actual, real date (as opposed to hanging out with my roommate, my best friend's boyfriend or some engaged guy) with the Cuteness on Friday. I hadn't heard from him in a few days so I emailed him and was like, yeah! Hey! Are we doing something? And he emails me back and said "Oh yeah, Friday is looking not so good... I have to shovel."

You have to shovel? All night? On a Friday? It didn't even snow!

So I am not dumb to sit around waiting for this guy, I can take a hint. I am getting a little too old for this shit, you know? Is it so bad to want a guy who is not a drama queen or who plays little games? Take for example Michael D. who I was practically throwing myself at and he liked to play hard to get. HARD TO GET?! Dude, come on. You haven't had sex in three years, no girl is even remotely interested and you want me to work for it? Christ. And what about the Cuteness? Seriously? If you aren't interested, that is fine! Let's all just be honest and open and get on with our lives already.

So instead of going out to get the taste of Thursday out of my mouth, I sat at home smoking and writing poetry, because apparently I am now an ARTISTE. But, really, I had a really good night, I could relax and get a little perspective on things. I was completely exhausted anyways, so it really all kind of worked out for the best.

Saturday was so lazy, it felt WONDERFUL. I just padded around the house randomly, watched a bunch of Arrested Development and waited to go out. That night was Food for Thought in Racine, where you donate some food and buy a ticket and all the bars have bands and you basically bar hop.

Jackie came and picked me up, calling me when she got there, telling me to grab a bottle of something. I had a bottle of Captain left over from Thanksgiving (and I couldn't figure out how to make Pink Squirrels portable) so I grabbed it and dashed out to the car.

We made a quick stop at the porn store so I could buy a bowl (I was getting tired of using my roommates) and then went and parked around the corner from the Eagles, where we were going to meet up with everyone. So we sat there, in her mini cooper, listening to JayZ as I lit up and she started taking pulls from the bottle (she would have toked up as well, but she thinks she might have to do a U.A for this new job she got). I was having serious problems with my pot so I then started drinking too.

We met up with Eric, Hannah, Martha, Martha's friend Jenny, Hannah's friend Amanda and Joe. Now, I don't especially like Joe, I think he is kind of obnoxious in sort of a grating way and he is exceedingly loud... all the time. I am much more of a subtle snide comment kind of person and he is a Hawaiian print shirted clown. But, he was alright that night and kept giving me hugs, so I can't dislike him that much, as he clearly has awesome taste (hahahahahaha).

We were at the Eagles for awhile and then went over to Coasters. We saw I think three bands but really, the most amusing thing was watching Jackie's slow descent into drunkenness. I was buzzed, don't get me wrong, but I was more high than anything, and at one point someone bought me a bottle of Smirnoff Black or the like and she kept drinking gin or some other clear liquid of death.

So after she harangued some guy into giving her free hot dogs, I piled her back into the mini and drove her home. It was nice to be able to take care of her a little bit, even though she wasn't knocking on death's door like I have a tendency to, because she has driven my drunk ass home like 70 times and I owed it to her.

Sunday I went out to brekkie with Mandy, because if I am in Racine on a Sunday, then I will be eating a goddamn skillet, let me tell you. We then went to Best Buy and I picked up a Weakerthans cd (because it is my life in musical form) and a Rob Zombie cd, because it was cheap and I have a quiet penchant for Dragula.

Went back to Milwaukee and went back to padding around my apartment, contemplating things. Smoked a little more pot, listened to a little more music and fell asleep reading.

I am going to Detroit in two weeks and I think the change will do me some good. I think I got way in over my head here recently and I have to let things go with a little sad honesty versus trying to fix the un-fixable.

Because tramps like us? Baby we were born to run.

Howl of the unappreciated

So I am so stressed out and being so hard on myself, thatI have taken up writing poetry again.

I haven't written a poem since high school. I was okay, I think, for a high school kid. Thanks to the ol' perspicacity, I managed to write about more than love, lost love and killing myself unlike my contemporaries but then I kind of put it down.

But then things kinda derailed a little bit the other day and I was forced to take a long hard look at myself. With that kind of introspection, I think I unlocked the little box of poetry because I just started writing.

It wasn't all that bad. I was kind of surprised.

It also probably helped that I got high while doing all this.

The damage is done so I guess I'll be leaving

Self inflicted censorship:

I can't talk about what happened last night. I can't talk about this.

I can't believe myself sometimes.

Too much was said.

All I can think of is the Talking Heads' song Once In A Lifetime:

And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?


I just secured a place in hell, that is for damn sure.

Once in a lifetime....

I have absolutely no idea what is going on.

Oh my yesterday was an interesting day.

Basically, without getting too much into it (tomorrows posting will be way more in depth, depending on the outcome of tonight) I received a series of emails that made me react so violently, I actually had a legitimate panic attack.

Kiki is not a panic attack type person. Kiki is not known to freak out about anything, let alone have a legitimate panic attack. The last time I did was when I was still living with the gay boys in Shorewood, Michael was leaving and I just snapped. I remember being in the stairwell just shaking, with my teeth chattering (that is a big sign right there) and Michael pretty much had to drag me up the stairs, as I pretty much was not acting on my own volition. Yesterday was not nearly as bad, but it did result in the same endorphin rush, the nausea, the frantic, panicked feeling, the feeling where everything as you know it is completely out of your control (and as a bit of a control freak, this does not bode well).

I do not want to go into all the grisly details, until after tonight (but anyone with at least a passing interest in my blog knows something is up and can easily figure out what I am doing that is so secretive).

I was so sketched out, that when I met up with my little work pally, Amy at Boston Store I pretty much attacked her and babbled for about 20 minutes getting everything off my chest while standing in the Junior's department. Robin and Jackie also received phone calls, both of which lasted into the 40 minute range.

DRA-MA!

Fortunately, a little retail therapy never hurt anyone, and I snagged a really kicky little jacket and a few tank tops from H&M. The jacket says "I am delightfully kicky, but I mean business." and I think I will be wearing it tomorrow night on my date with the Cuteness.

Last night was Tom And Nicki Date Night (Tom being my beat poet roommate) and originally we were going to go out for drinks or something. It started snowing and I needed to dye my hair (the burnt orange look was starting to creep back in) so we stayed in and with Troy (the new roommate) we smoked about six bowls and talked about religion.

Oh man, I don't think I have ever been that high. It was totally what I needed though, as I was still completely skitched out from earlier. I also during this time had my little chats with Robin and Jackie and Robin informed me that I sounded completely sober, although considerably less chatty.

I slept so well, although not without tossing and turning for a bit before I finally fell asleep. My mind was(is) still racing with questions and issues.

And even though this is a delicate and awful situation that I am getting myself into, I can't help but be totally turned on by it. Scandal and intrigue flock to me like flies to the bug zapper. It is all sort of romantic and flattering and... and.... and...

I have said too much.